Customizing our lives

Do you have any relationships in your bubble that you admire and look up to? Whether that be romantic or not? Would you want a relationship like the ones you see or saw growing up? How many, based off of what you determine, healthy relationships have you seen personally?

I've been asking myself these questions the last few weeks and have talked about it with friends - the outcome wasn't very promising, I'm not going to lie. I realized that I don't have any "model" (romantic) relationships that I look up to and didn't grow up with that. All the romantic relationships that I saw were dysfunctional, toxic, even scary sometimes. I was honestly a bit shocked at how this is what came up for me when I thought about whether there's a relationship I look up to. 

I got a little cynical about it, y'know. I was sad that I didn't/don't have that to look up to (personally), to seek advice from, to see as hope for my own future 'ships. Then of course, I thought about it some more, read other people's thoughts about this topic, and well..here's what I came up with. 

We've grown up in a very screwed up world. Many of our families are dysfunctional and have caused harm to the next generation without really realizing it. Toxic behaviors have been passed down, trauma has been passed down, and not having the resources or tools to better these have been passed down. Luckily, more services are out there for the younger generations, but of course more can be done. Anyways, my parents and family haven't had the easiest life. Sometimes I think my parents, specifically, have gone through life assuming their choices and their options - without giving it more thought. That's probably because of their upbringing, their own parents, the society they lived in while in a different country. And this happens in many families. 

Many of our families haven't had the chance to choose their relationships, to choose what they want out of them, to just..choose. So when I think about how I don't have any "model" relationships around me, I think about this. How they didn't have the opportunities that I have when it comes breaking generational toxicity or to even think about that. So cynicism has passed for me, but now what? 

The initial point of this post was supposed to be the different types of relationships we can have because there are SO many. I was reminded earlier today that not many people know about the relationship escalator and then it drew me to writing this SO let's get to the actual point of the damn post! 

One of the most freeing ideas that I have learned in the past few years is that I can mold my own relationships into whatever I and the other person/s want or need. I'm tired of rules, I'm tired of expectations, I'm just tired. I'm sure many of you feel this way - feeling like you have to do something because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Dress a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Act a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. But guess what? You don't have to. 

This mentality can fit into many aspects of our lives, but I'm going to focus more on intimate and romantic relationships and what kinds of relationships there are out there. The internet has made it much easier for us to read and see other types of relationships that we may want! Whether that be queer relationships, or polyamorous relationships, or people of color loving on other people of color, and more!!! 

I'm going to share different types of relationship structures that maybe you haven't heard of or haven't seen! I'd like to start off with a bit about the relationship escalator. I wrote about it here, but I'll insert a definition I found online: Relationships escalator is "the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal."

- Amy Gahran, Off the Relationship Escalator. Essentially, society tells us we must find our "person" and date them then move in together and then marry them and then have kids and then...well that's basically it. Clearly, this formula does not work for everyone and not everyone wants it! Remember, you and your person/s in the relationship get to create your own formula. As long as both of you are happy with it, that is all that matters. Step off that escalator! 

Now let's discuss other 'ships:

Polyamorous relationships: This Medium article defines it as "the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved." People will sometimes add that they can fall in love with multiple people at the same time or just have the desire to date multiple people at the same time. 

Non-monogamous: This one is more of an umbrella term for folks! Usually defined as dating or in a relationship with multiple people, whether that be emotionally, romantically, or sexually. 

Now along with those two, you'll usually find terms like these: kitchen table polyam, solo polyam, monogamish, swingers, and more!!! Check out this post from polyamorouswhileasian where she defines these terms and more. 

Triad: This type of relationship has 3 people in it and they are all dating each other! Sometimes a couple will open up their relationship and find another person to add to the mix. Be mindful of unicorn hunters though...these people may fetishize the third person and essentially use them for sex or perhaps a way to "fix" their relationship. 

Many of us are familiar with friends with benefits, which usually means the relationship is based off of sex or mutual interest in something specific. I think many people think this situation can turn messy quickly, but if both parties are communicative, respectful, and honest then really it can benefit the people who are in the relationship. 

I just named off a few good ways to be in a relationship...did ya learn or read something new? I hope so!!! I want more people to feel free in their relationships, whether that be monogamous or not. Or even being in a relationship in unconventional ways like living together, but having your own room! Or choosing not to get married or having kids! Or focusing on yourself more than a relationship! Or prioritizing friendships and family more than romantic relationships! As an individual, a human being, you are able to decide what will make you feel fulfilled and content. Sometimes doing this will invite people to criticize or shame you, but y'know what? In the long run, this is your life and you are living it, not anybody else. 

So, basically I'm a relationship anarchist (one last term!!!!). A relationship anarchist is a person who deconstructs societal expectations of what a romantic relationship entails. I really align with the definition polyphilia shared in their tiktok here. I loved how she said relationship anarchists "customize their commitments" because that is exactly how I see it. I see all my relationships as a priority, not just my romantic ones. I also don't think all these societal norms on relationships fits into everyone's lives - it's just not realistic. Being able to mold your relationship and how that 'ship will flow into your life is so freeing! 

There are so many ways to live in this world - we just haven't been shown those ways because of capitalism, the need for control, white supremacy, and colonization. Because guess what? A lot of these structures of relationships that I talked about here are not new information!!! Many indigenous communities and our own ancestors had these ideologies, they were just violently erased. So, remember that we get to customize our own 'ships and honestly our own life. Make decisions based off of what you want and need. Read different people's perspectives and maybe think about whether the decisions we make are made because we assume it's what we have to do. I hope you learned something in this post and if you read to the bottom of this post, thank you!! I hope you enjoyed :) 

Always about control

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but always felt it was unfinished or just not enough, but I've decided to let that go!

I have so many, yet so few words to say about what is going on, specifically in Texas. As some of you may know, Texas has now passed a law banning abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy. Typically, most people will find out they're pregnant after 6 weeks and most get an abortion after 6 weeks...making this law an absolute massive barrier for all who can get pregnant. Not only that, but there is also no exception to incest and rape, any person who helps (in ANY way, like even giving that person a ride to the clinic) or pays for the abortion that goes against this new law, can be sued. 

Honestly, this is not a surprise, especially in Texas. It was even difficult for people in Texas to access an abortion before this law passed because only specific clinics were allowed or offered abortions, and there weren't many. People would have to drive hours in order to get to a clinic and then would have to stay near that clinic after the procedure. Who is able to afford that? Yup, you got it - mostly wealthy, white people. 

I've seen many people share eloquent words and thoughts about what is going on, let me share some before I share my own:

Sonya Renee Taylor shared her poem she wrote in 2003, but it still (sadly) relates to what is happening now. You can watch her speak it here or can read it here. 

Cori Bush , a U.S. congresswoman, tweeted, "I'm thinking about the Black, brown, low-income, queer and young folks, in Texas. The folks this abortion health care ban will disproportionately harm. Wealthy white folks will have the means to access abortion care. Our communities won't." 

This tiktok (@daejahtalkstv) is a person talking about how there are many people comparing what is happening now to the Handmaid's Tale, but they are missing a key point: this new abortion law, and other laws, specifically target Black, Indigenous, and people of color's lives - something that the Handmaid's Tale does not discuss (I have not seen this show, but this is what this person is saying) and it makes sense. White people are capable of discussing and learning violence when it relates to them and then they compare it to a show...that has mostly white people in it. Interesting. Do white people only become interested and outraged only when it's an attack on them?

The fight for choice has been going on way too long. This fight is not only for women, language is really important here. As Ericka Hart has said, "Any gender can have an abortion." I think many people are not conscious of the wording here saying things like, "this is a women's issue" when it really isn't. This is everyone's issue. When we can really break down who can get pregnant and therefore affected by this mess, we become aware that anyone with a uterus can get pregnant, which affects any gender! We gotta stop with this binary language. 

I wish I could find the video of someone explaining this, but it was about how the government doesn't actually care about the unborn baby, they can give a shit about them. If they actually cared about people's lives, we would have free health care, free housing, free food, and just so many more resources. The government really just cares about who they are controlling, whose bodies they are controlling, who they are keeping at the bottom, and whose on top because in reality, rich people can have all the abortions they want!!! Because they can afford it!! And it's way more accessible to them!!!! AAGHHH

Anyways, yeah. Those are some of my thoughts and some of other people's thoughts. When things like this happen, it just reminds me why comprehensive, SEX POSITIVE, education matters and why I'm trying to get into this field. More people need to know their options, why there are options, how they can get access to their options, and so.much.more. Thanks for reading! P.S. Underneath are some resources and information for abortions or just sex education in general. 

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion

https://sexpositivefamilies.com/

https://loomhq.com/

https://www.howlatthewomb.com/

Reciprocity

Reciprocity: a mutual exchange of privileges (according to webster)

Alok Vaid-Menon once said, "The lack of reciprocity is such a painful thing." This quote has stuck with me for a few years, I think about it often because it's very painfully true. When we don't receive the love back, or when we don't receive attention back, or feel like we've given so much with nothing back...it hurts.

But is reciprocity required in order to feel fulfilled and content?

I follow poly.lovers on instagram, a non-monogamous bisexual who shares all the raw details of her relationship experiences, and she has made me question this. She has talked about how she loves to love, she loves to give, she loves share her affection to the people she sees, but doesn't expect it back because she just enjoys the experience. She has said that it doesn't matter to her if she loves her partner more than her partner loves her because everyone loves differently and their capacity to love is different. She is just happy to have found a person she enjoys being with and this sounds so liberating. 

I then think about expectations - ugh, expectations. Things that we assume, things that we think are going to happen, what we're going to get. Having expectations is annoying and can taint certain experiences we have. For example (and it's a silly one), I have expectations surrounding my birthday (and I've been working on this). A reason why I don't like my birthday is because I have too many high expectations of others. I usually don't know what I want to do for my birthday, what I want, or how I want to be celebrated, but I've noticed I expect others to know the answers to those as if...they know me better than me...? Literally makes no sense, right? SO, when my birthday comes up and I am freaking out about what I want to do and then have this expectation that others know...I get disappointed because of course other people don't know! I don't even know! Expectations, in this instance, let me down and I disappointed myself for not communicating. 

Back to my point of reciprocity - is reciprocity expectations? Expecting your friend to love you the same amount as you love them? Expecting your partner to hang out with you every time you want to hang out with them? According to webster, it's a mutual exchange meaning you both expect something. Is wanting reciprocity just expecting something in return?

Although...the lack of reciprocity is still very painful. I have experienced feeling disappointed because the love I shared for someone...was not returned in the way I thought it would. I had expectations for a friendship and those expectations let me down at the end of the day because I assumed there was a mutual feeling...and there wasn't. Would I have been less disappointed if I valued the friendship as it was and just enjoyed loving a person? Would I have been less angry if I accepted that people view each other differently? Love each other differently? I'm honestly not sure. 

I'm going to share another side thought just to confuse you and make you think more hahaha. I recently watched a tiktok (I lost it so I can't share it) about being unattached in the relationships we have with people. Meaning staying present and not attaching ourselves to the current people we are close to - whether that be friends, partners, family, etc...Because impermanence is inevitable. We will lose friends, we will break up with partners, we will become distant with people. That just happens, right? This person was saying that if we go about our relationships unattached, enjoying the moments we have with people, and not become accustomed to the idea that they will be in our lives forever...it may be less painful, less disappointing, and less confusing if that were to happen. 

I know, I had many thoughts about it. I first thought, "Wow, this sounds nice. Not feeling as much? Great!" But then I thought...we are humans. We do get attached naturally, it just seems like something we do..unless that's what we've been taught? ALSO, we can't just have a mentality in order to feel less? Feelings are important, valid, and a way for us to express our inner selves. Right?

Are you just as confused as I am? I just re-read the post and my thoughts are everywhere!!! I do think that's a good indication that this is a longer conversation and a complicated one. I think every person can answer this differently, depending on how they want to be loved and seen. Reciprocity can be scary, but also very beautiful. What do you think about reciprocity? Do you need it? Do you think they're expectations? 

Thanks for reading! 

How child development and sex ed go hand in hand

I've been thinking a lot about child development and the connection it has to sex education. They really are intertwined, more than we probably think. As a person who has taught toddlers for the last six years, I've tried to implement a variety of teaching methods that actually connect to my take on sex education. I personally think that these methods should be used by all teachers, but I do understand that it maaay be seen as an opinion, too.

The biggest thing I teach kids is about consent! There are soooo many opportunities of teaching little ones about their own bodies and also using their words to express their feelings. For example, a popular interaction between toddlers is taking toys away from each other - ohhh, the amount of times I have heard kids cry and say, "They took my toy!!!" I always jump at the opportunity to teach them to ASK, always ask if someone is using something or if they are done. When children think that they can just snatch someone's item without their consent, they may learn that the other people's feelings don't matter and everything can be their's. Obviously, this isn't productive for kids to learn and also it can teach them about empathy - how does this make the other person feel?

Continuing on with consent, another big teaching moment is when kids hug other kids without their consent - some of them don't mind, but others get distraught. Even when the receiving hug child seems to enjoy the hug, I always remind them that they have to ask before hugging another person. It's a great opportunity to let them know that they need to ask other people if it is okay to give them a hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc...so that the other person can make a decision and their feelings can be validated. I always hear about how some of us were forced to hug or kiss family members against our will and if this continues, it teaches us that our words or feelings don't matter. If no one teaches us otherwise, this mentality may continue throughout our lives. It is so important for children to learn about their body autonomy early so that as they grow, they know they can make their own decisions based on how they feel or how comfortable they are. 

Another way of involving sex education curriculum into child development is using gender neutral words. Y'know trans and non-binary folks have been around forever, they have just been erased by colonization and the Western mind. It's now time to teach the new generations that the gender binary is fake and that they do not have to follow the set of reals that society gives them based on their gender. I try to use they/them pronouns all the time with animals, toys, or characters in a book because genuinely, we don't know their gender! When the adults use this language, children will pick up on it without us even telling them to. Another example is if a little boy wants to use a pink toy or a toy that most girls use - let them. They are exploring what they like and they have a right to do that! I have had little girls tell other boys that they can't use a certain toy because "it's for girls." This is another teaching moment - we gotta take the time to explain to them that it's just a toy and that anyone can use it! (I know I used the gender binary here, it's just a bit easier to explain and I have seen this happen in real life).  

All of these teaching moments can make such an impact on children's lives and let them choose who they want to be. There are so many other ways sex education and child development go hand in hand, but these are just a few examples. The reason I write this is because that's why sex education is important for everyone - it can teach us to accept our bodies and guide us in our true selves and it can start so young! Thanks for reading!!

Let's just accept it

TW: mentions of pornography, small mentions of pedophilia and sexual abuse 

I recently came across a Tiktok about porn. The person was very straight forward in saying porn was "destructive" and hurtful to folks who watch it. I think they even used the word "disgusting" and many of the people in the comments agreed. I felt the urge to comment and explain what I am going to talk about here. 

The conversation around porn and sexually explicit media is large, extensive, and can be filled with personal values. I will try to put as many resources as I can here to avoid personal values/bias because as a soon to be sex educator, I learned that facts and research is the focus and should (almost) always be the focus. The links will be within the post!

Porn (pornography), or sexually explicit media, is usually defined as "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." At least that is what Google says. I don't quite agree with the ending because porn can be aesthetically pleasing and can bring up feelings, depending where a person is at in their sexual lives. That's the basic definition, though. When I talk about porn here, it will include videos of sex, magazines, online sites with porn, sex workers, and more. Now that we have that out of the way, let's continue..

Porn and sex workers have been around for centuries, it's actually one of the longest known professions EVER. That means this kind of work will be most likely around forever. The website I linked even says it has been around since 2400 B.C. and it's still taboo?! Wild. Mostly everyone will watch porn, buy porn, or use porn to arouse themselves at least once in their lives, that is widely known, I mean ask your peers. This person on the Tiktok made it seem like porn should be banned and be seen as detrimental to ones' health, which is a very extreme opinion that I don't quite agree with.

I do see why they would think that though because porn is mostly seen as taboo and something we should steer away from. "Sex addiction" is talked about (even though I've seen sex educators dive deeper into why they don't think it's quite real and there's more to it), learning about sex from porn is harmful, and sex workers are not treated properly usually in mainstream porn. Those, and maybe more, are the reasons I can think of why porn could be harmful to folks. 

Although, porn can also be a place where queer folks can see themselves sexually. In movies, books, or just on the Internet, there's not much queer representation when it comes to sex. We see straight, cis sex in movies and shows all the time, but not much with queer, trans, or non-binary folks. Even within those straight, cis sex scenes, most of them are white people in them, which mean people of color may only see sexual representation in porn. This is important for these groups because without it, they may never fully see others like them being sexual and enjoying pleasure. All people deserve representation in every part of their lives and because mainstream sexual media is very white and heteronormative, pornography can be a relief and a place where others see themselves. 

Ethical porn can also be endearing, fun, and a different place to view pleasure. And ethical porn is real!! There are sites (like Bellesa, crashpadseries, OnlyFans, etc.) that treat sex workers ethically, pay them the amount they deserve, create a safer space, has queer and people of color representation, more realistic, includes consent, etc..I also have a whole list of ethical porn sites that I'll list below, the ones I listed are just the ones I've actually seen/used. Porn is completely okay to use as long as we know where it's coming from, we're making sure we're paying the sex workers, and that they are being treated fairly. 

When it comes to sex addiction, there's a lot of discourse that happens. The sex educator in me says there is more to it than being "addicted" to sex. In this article, a research psychologist makes the important note that "addiction" usually comes from an addictive substance so saying sex addiction doesn't add up because people aren't taking an added substance. People who say they are sex addicts may be using drugs, but that's different from a person who isn't taking drugs and calling themselves a sex addict. So, researchers and psychologists are questioning whether using the phrase "sex addiction" is correct or not. Using that term also can make people who are very sexually active seem like they have a problem. This article also stated something important, "There is also a risk that the label sex addiction might pathologize normal sexual desire and behavior, making healthy people appear to have an illness that does not exist." Having a lot of sex doesn't mean a person is a "sex addict," it just means they like having sex. Who are we to say certain sexual acts, the amount of sex we have, how we have sex is right or not? Everyone is different and everyone deserves to find out what they like and what they don't. 

When it comes to teens watching porn, it's not that them doing that is wrong, but if that's the only place they are learning sex from, then it can be harmful. Teens deserve a proper sex positive education where they can learn about sexuality, consent, birth control, pleasure, safety, and more. If teens had this type of sex education, then (ethical) porn wouldn't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It can be another way for them to explore their sexuality! 

I read articles that also say that some people group pedophiles, rapists, and those who cheat together with sex addiction, which is just plain wrong. All of those are different and cannot be grouped together. It can make it seem as if a person who has a lot of sex is in the same group as a pedophile...like no. So, the term sex addiction can make this very wrong and bold statement. 

My last point is whether watching porn with our partner(s) or our partner(s) watching porn on their own is bad or harmful. I don't think so, but this also depends on our relationships and communication. Some of the comments I saw on the Tiktok said they had broken up with partners because their partner was watching porn on their own. This is so interesting because we all know humans are sexual beings, I mean we have body parts that are solely there for pleasure. So, if someone wants to masturbate or is feeling sexual, and their partner isn't there..it only makes sense that they watch porn. I'm not saying when people masturbate they always watch it, of course people use their brains to make up fantasies, picture their partner, etc. but some people need a little boost! That's completely okay! I think it's worth to talk to our partners whether they are okay with that and have a conversation about it, but porn is also another way to fantasize and maybe see something a bit different. 

The discussion over pornography is so interesting to me and involves so many points. At the end of the day, in my opinion, watching porn, making porn, reading porn is normal and can be a different way to find pleasure. It is also not as simple as saying I agree or disagree with it, just like everything else. There is more I can talk about, but this is what came to mind. I haven't done as much research as I want to on pornography so this may be ongoing, but let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :-)

List of ethical porn (non-exhaustive)

Recently was shown this "Porn Literacy" curriculum that educators can take to learn how to talk about pornography. Pretty interesting, but the site is a bit outdated so not sure if it is recent. 

Article: Sex Work is a Disability Issue

Information on FOSTA/SESTA that was signed by Trump in 2018 in order to stop sex trafficking. Instead it has made it harder for sex workers to promote their work online and also just continued to criminalize sex work:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/qvxeyq/trump-signed-fosta-sesta-into-law-sex-work

https://whyy.org/segments/fosta-sesta-was-supposed-to-thwart-sex-trafficking-instead-its-sparked-a-movement/

There's so much more to learn, but that's the bit of resources I have saved! Share any more if you have some! 

The Non-Linear Road

TW: mental health struggles, drug addiction, eating disorder

Healing is very non-linear. It is a rollercoaster. It is frustrating and confusing. For me, it used to confuse me as to why I felt amazing one day, but then the next day something triggered my brain and all of a sudden, I felt like I had taken a step back. I have cried about it oooohhh so many times and trying to accept this way of living, as a human with so many emotions.

I recently watched Demi Lovato's new documentary about her drug addiction, eating disorders, and mental health struggles. It reminded me of this non-linear path because if you don't know, this is her third documentary about her struggles. It is very raw and vulnerable, I'd recommend giving it a watch. I then went into a deep thinking dive about celebrity culture, our autonomy, and also what being a "good" person means. I won't get into all of it today, but I may do it since my brain is such a scatter sometimes. Anyways, I also listened to an interview she did with Joe Rogan and that was also very good. Basically, it gave me a lot to think about. 

Let me start off with my opinion on celebrities. I mostly dislike them, mostly because I think the movie/music/TV/etc. industry is very toxic and uphold systems that many of us are trying to break down (eating the rich, racism, white supremacy, and more). I think a lot of them have done fucked up shit behind the scenes and some have gotten caught, but the way they go about it is so impersonal and fake. I also do not know these people so this is just my surface level opinion on pop culture. With this in mind, Demi Lovato has actually been a celebrity who I see as more real than others because of her vulnerability. I think this also speaks on how sometimes people will not trust you or believe you until you tell them your story, which I don't agree with either. People, even celebrities, don't have to prove themselves to people, and don't have to share their whole life in order to get their attention. I do respect Demi Lovato for speaking her truth and thank her for the vulnerability she shared. 

Moving on and going back to the non-linear path a lot of us take. I once thought that with enough therapy, with the most supportive group of people, and trying my best, I would one day feel good about myself 24/7, won't be randomly anxious anymore, and calm the overpowering waves of thoughts I have. I was clearly naive to think that and didn't understand my struggles. Yes, I will one day calm those waves a bit more and feel good in my own body more days than not, but I also have to remember, I'm human. I get influenced by other people's comments, by pop culture, and have to constantly unlearn to not people please. It's non-linear. I don't think people talk about this enough. There's more talk on how get better or what you can do to fix all your problems when the reality isn't that. The reality is still feeling okay enough to continue everyday, to validate your feelings, and be kind to yourself when you feel like you've taken a step back (which I also don't think we ever really do because the growth happens after. Like one step back, two or more steps forward).

There was also a conversation about our autonomy. Agghhhh, I can talk about this for days!!! I'll try to shorten it though. We grow up with no autonomy, no bodily autonomy meaning no room for us to decide what we want to do, what we want to feel, how we want to dress, who we want to love, and so much more. It has already been decided when people find out our sex. Once people decide if we are a "girl" or "boy," they will have preconceived notions on how we will feel, how we will dress, what we will learn, how we will think, and more. This doesn't only come from the people who brought us to Earthside, but it also comes from TV, music, school, books, Internet, etc. These will teach us how we will live and if no one teaches us that actually we can wear that top, actually we can feel both of those emotions at the same time, actually we can have more than one partner, actually we can CHOOSE WHO WE ARE, then we may get stuck in other people's expectations of us. 

Living our truth is difficult. There will be people telling us we're going to hell. There will be people telling us how we should dress or how many pounds we should lose. We may even end up being the ones telling ourselves these societal rules and telling others. Even professionals may choose to decide the care they give you based on societal norms, instead actually seeing what is going on. Sometimes we're blinded by it. This all doesn't mean we shouldn't continue fighting to live our truth and to decide who we want to live. Froetic Sexology said, "The minute we begin making our decisions based on what we fear instead of what we desire, we have lost our freedom." We lose that freedom once we decide to listen to what other people think, to follow all the social constructs, and to ridicule others for how they live. 

That's where being a "good" person ties in. What does that mean? What is mean to you? To our society? I've been thinking a lot about it and I think it's subjective. People have different definitions for it and will also decide if a person is "good" based on how they live. For me, being "good" entails respect, accountability, communication, and kindness. As long as folks try their best, I think that's what it means to be a "good" person. This is a way bigger conversation, but I will leave it here. I hope you enjoyed reading and if you have any thoughts, please share them :0) 

Now This Is Orgasmic

Ohhhh yes, I'm talking about orgasms! Cumming, releasing, busting, jizzing! I'm not gonna lie, I looked up different words to say orgasm and had a good giggle reading them. Sometimes saying or reading sex words is funny and I want to emphasize the FUN in FUNny because that is what we are focusing on today!

Questions to ask oneself: What is sex to me? What actions does it include? How does it feel? Is there a goal? Once you start diving deep into what sex actually means you, you can shape the kind of experience you would like to receive during it and this goes for solo and partnered sex. Yup! Ya heard it right, masturbating is also sex! 

I've come to realize that goal oriented sex is not my favorite. By "goal oriented" I mean having an ending to the sex I have, which is every party included having an orgasm. Having this thought during sex causes a lot of stress, overthinking, and anxious thoughts in me and I know I'm not the only one. Once I started reading more about sex and sexuality, I soon learned that sex isn't only about having that release! It's about the foreplay, the intimacy, the sensations we feel, or the emotions. There are literally so many other aspects to focus than having an orgasm. Once I learned this, sex became a whole different world with way less anxiety (WIIIN). 

I saw this post from Pleasure Centered Sexology that said, "The laziness lie says that if you're not working towards a goal during sex (giving someone what they want or having an orgasm) and if you're not achieving those goals (orgasms, erections, wetness) then sexual encounters are unsuccessful. When sex becomes another task. to complete or a skill to excel at, sexual and pleasure satisfaction drops exponentially." This is exactly it! When our mentality sticks to this goal oriented mindset, we are also stopping the possibility of different pleasures we can feel or just different sexual experiences.

Many of us have performance anxiety when it comes to sex and that is totally normal, especially when it's the first few times. Yes, I did mean FEW times because having sex one time does not get rid of the anxiety after that, sadly. Although, what will lessen having anxiety, stress, or unwanted thoughts, is knowing that everyone goes through this and also...a person can have sex with tons of people and still feel performance anxiety because ever.person.is.DIFFERENT! That means we gotta learn and relearn and unlearn different techniques during sex because everyone has different enjoyments. 

Some things that I think could be helpful for folks having performance anxiety is 1) communication,  like always. I'm sorry, but this will always be on the list of every topic I talk about. It's just the best way to get on the same page and know how to comfort each other. If you're feeling anxious, talk about it! Maybe your partner is feeling the same way or they could provide you with reassurance. 2) Try not to focus on the orgasm. Breathing is key during sex (yes, when someone is eating you out - BREATHE). It relieves tension and makes you focus on what you are feeling on your body. It's also helpful to think about what you are feeling - is your/their skin soft? Are you cold or hot? What do you find sexy about yourself/them? Are you/they hitting a good spot? These kinds of questions can help you get back to the moment you are in, not your anxious thoughts. 3) HAVE FUN!! Remember, this is supposed to be fun, silly, sexy, etc. This is a time to feel good so if you want to laugh, laugh! If you want to make a silly joke, do it! I love when I laugh during sex, it's just a good reminder that this is about a good time :)

That's why I believe sex educators call this pleasure focused sex - meaning pleasure is the main focus of sex, not an end goal (a.k.a. orgasm). Having an orgasm is just another extra fun thing to do during sex! By getting rid of the stress of you (or your partner) having to have that release, it opens up doors for more comfortability. Even if the sex doesn't end in an orgasm, ask yourself, "Did I have fun, though? Did it feel hella good? Did I learn something new?" Because the answers to questions like these will determine whether that sex was pleasurable or not.

What I want folks to get out of this post is: it's not only about the orgasms! Performance anxiety during sex is real and a lot of the times it's because of the huge focus on having that release. Next time, maybe tell your partner, "Hey, let's not think about orgasms today and really focus on other areas while having sex!" If you end up having one, great! If you end up not having one, great! As long as you are having fun and feeling good, that's the real end goal. I hope this encouraged you to take pleasure in other intimacies and remember, take your time, breathe, and don't take it too seriously. Thanks for reading! 

Friends aren't always easy

It's true. In general, any type of relationship we have will not be peaceful all the time. There is always going to be miscommunication, ghosting, disconnection, or any mishap. Just because we may not be in a romantic relationship with someone does not mean we don't need to put any effort into it. A lot of effort and care needs to go in every relationship we have in our lives.

I will sort of bounce off my last post on friendship because I just have so much to say! I saw this caption from these two best friends sharing a raw audio of their conversation about what was going on between them. It was honest, intimate, and you can hear how difficult it was. Friendships are not just about being there to gossip with or there to party with or to talk to when one is feeling lonely. Friendships are about intimacy, love, looking out for each other, and reciprocity. So how can we maintain our friendships to make sure both and all parties are feeling cared for?

Communication - This is pretty obvious because communication is such an important part in every relationship. We need to feel comfortable to talk about our feelings. Not only positive ones, but the hard ones as well. Sometimes a friend will say something out of pocket, and if that happens, then the other friend can communicate their feelings if they were hurt. If we push feelings away and not discuss them when we feel hurt, then we are losing chances in creating a better foundation for a relationship. By being honest about feelings and actually putting the effort into telling the other person, we are then showing how much we care. If we didn't actually care, then we would brush it off and potentially lose a moment where we make our relationship deeper. Be open to sharing your feelings, but also be open to hearing your friends' feelings as well.

Tangible Effort - This is not about gifts, this is not about daily calls (unless those are your love languages). Actually, love languages are the perfect example. I think it's important to know people's love languages in friendships as well. That way, we know how we can show them love and how they can feel that love. Sometimes a person needs those gifts, or weekly hangouts, or occasional facetimes. It really depends on the person, but showing that effort to people reassures them that you care about them and love them. Even in friendships we need those reassurances! Making an effort is important and will make friendships everlasting. 

Knowing when it's over - Like all relationships, they may not last and that is okay. Sometimes you grow out of each other and are not compatible anymore. Sometimes your lives get busy and may not care to make time for certain friends. It happens! Friendship break-ups are actually very difficult and are sometimes harder to accept, but they happen and that's okay. What we need to realize is our worth, what we deserve, and where reciprocity is needed for us. If they can't show you those things, it may be time to revaluate those friendships. 

Understanding - Always, always. Our lives can be a mess, we can be a mess. Imagine having family to take care of, a partner, a job, school, and multiple friends? It's quite difficult to maintain all of these in a harmonious way. Life is messy! It's important to recognize and remind ourselves of this when we feel a friend cannot give us the attention we may want. We've gotta meet halfway with people and if you can figure that out, then you've got a wonderful friendship there. In every relationship, every situation, trying to understand each other plays a huge role in maintaining that relationship so that you are not going in circles. 

Each of these aspects plays into every one of our relationships. There is soooo much more to say, but I'll leave it at this: Your platonic relationships deserve support, love, and care. They deserve time, effort, and attention. And you deserve all of these. Maintaining relationships is difficult, especially during a pandemic, so be kind to yourself and know you are trying your best. Thanks for reading! 

Let's shake it up! (with a vibrator)

Alright, finally talking about a favorite topic of mine: SEX TOYZ!!! I don't really get the opportunity to talk about it, except when I awkwardly show a friend my new toy because I'm THAT excited. So I'm PUMPed to let y'all know some sweet (mostly online) sex toy shops that are queer and trans friendly, make safe toys, and BlPOC owned!

My experience with toys is a bit lower than I would like. Good toys that are actually good for your wonderful body parts can be quite expensive, but worth it. I have bought from Good Vibrations and Honey Play Box, which both have definitely not disappointed. I'll put the links of the ones I have and give a short review, in case any of you want an opinion!

*Disclaimer* I'll be talking about this research on sexual orgasms with folks who have vulvas. It's very binary and honestly, many studies that relate to sexuality, sadly, play into the gender binary. Let's fight for more studies that break down that fake binary!!!! But I'll be using more neutral and factual words in order to make it less binary. 

I was watching Love Island earlier (I know, I know. Reality TV shows..BLEH. But Love Island? Frickin' entertaining!) and they were throwing out facts at a game, right. They mentioned how many people with vulvas don't experience orgasms during penis-vulva intercourse and many of the contestants on Love Island were talking about how they basically all have faked an orgasm! You should've seen my face when I heard that. Not really out of shock, but more disappointment on how our society has let folks down. So, I looked up if this was true and sure as hell, it was. This study in Finland did five surveys about sex with people who had vulvas. Give it a quick read if you'd like to know the percentage! 

The reason I bring this up is because our society has done a complete disservice on teaching and informing folks on how to have an orgasm, especially those with vulvas. There is always a focus on those with penises and also mainstream porn makes it look like you can give aggressive thrusts and your partner will burst out an orgasm! 

Anyways, my point is that sex toys can sometimes be a great way to see what your body likes and how you can reach climax on your own! They can be used personally and also used with partners to add a bit of spice. Toys can also give you different sensations that you can't really feel with your hands. Alright, enough of that, let's actually talk about them!

My very first trip to a sex toy shop, I went with my friend and we were just very shy and awkwardly looking around. Soon enough, we were introduced to some beginner vibrators that made it less awkward and more fun! My first toy was this small, battery operated vibrator from Good Vibrations and it was a great first one. It did the job and made me excited to find other toys! Definitely don't like battery operated ones as much anymore, but this one was a great one to start with. 

Recently, I've taken a liking to Honey Play Box because some of my favorite sex educators talk about them all the time! I've gotten this vibrator/dildo, which the vibrations are a bit intense for me, but dildos are always fun. It's also double-sided, which means partner play!!! It comes with different settings and a small controller, so it can be used in a lot of different ways. Also want to say that if you share toys with your partners, make sure you're being safe and clean while having fun! It's good to read up on how to clean toys and such. Luckily, the toys I have gotten have given instructions on how to do that. 

Alright, now my faaaavorite one so far: The Seduction. Sounds intense, right? That's how I felt at least! Even when it arrived, I was like, "What the fuck did I buy?!" Hahah, it actually turned out so great and I will never look back. Sometimes toys seem a bit intense and scary, but once you try it out, hopefully you'll get excited and feel great! This toy not only has a small vibrating part, but it also sucks!! I tried it on my arm at first and accidentally gave it a hicky...oops! Don't try it on your arm obviously unless you just want to see how it feels, but beware: IT literally SUCKS. Feels great on the vulva, though, so I highly recommend this one. Honey Play Box also has great deals and you can for sure find promo codes to get a good discount. If you need any help with that, let me know!

Now for some other great sex toy shops that deserve some love that are queer or BIPOC owned:

enby - Black and Trans owned shop that focuses on toys that feel good for other trans folks and enbies. They sell all kinds of fun stuff so give them a look! They recently were being sued for using the word "enby" by some white folks (wildflower smh), so please consider supporting them.

New York Toy Collective - Queer owned shop that sells silicone dildos, packers, play kits, and more! 

Feelmore - Black owned! They've got all kinds of things, like dildos, straps, lube, and more! They also have a shop in Oakland and Berkeley I believe. 

There's Just Not Enough Of...

Food! Housing! Love! but wait..who told you that, though?

Pardon the quality - don't have a scanner lol. 

I recently read this post about "zero-sum thinking" or having a scarcity mindset and it got me excited to talk about because it plays into such a big part in our lives, especially in the United States (where I am). Growing up, I had this mindset, especially related to housing and food. I'll admit, I did learn very problematic ideas from my family and society that I'm not proud of. For example, that houseless folks have a reason for being houseless, which I now know is inhumane and not a good enough reason, ever. Humans have the right to have secure housing, enough food, clean water, and a safe, supportive environment. There will never be a good enough reason, in my eyes, for a person to lose any of these. If you still have that mindset, I suggest looking into yourself and finding your moral compass (because, truthfully, many of us have lost this).

There is always enough to go around. The scarcity mindset influences how we see our relationships and whether there is enough in us to go around. For example, if we have enough affection, love, or capacity to go around. Time and living spaces are things that can have a limit. There's only 24 hours a day so of course you can't exactly have 5 dates lined up in one day (unless your time management skills are impeccable, for that I commend you). If it's about whether you have enough love to go around, ask yourself, "Well, how much love do I have in me?" Can you answer that with a number or specific words?

The above post reads, "Sex At Dawn (written by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha), discusses how sex and love are viewed as scarce resources in compulsory monogamy. A person can only sustainably have sex with and love just one other person (at a time). However, that level of exclusivity isn't applied so intensely when it comes to children or friends." 

How come we have capacities for love in romantic relationships, but not for friendships or for family? We usually don't say to ourselves, "I can't make another friend, there's just not enough friendship in me?" Many of us are very open to making friends throughout our lives and never really think about whether we have to only have one friend. Another example, is the children part! Parents and caregivers love all of their children, whether that be equal or not is based on the parent/caregiver, but they of course have enough love to go around for all of their kids! Why is love measured when it comes to more romantic or sexual relationships, but not the platonic or familial ones? That's when the scarcity mindset comes in, but also where society likes to pick and choose which rules apply to certain situations. 

We of course have enough love to go around! I love my friends, family, pets, books, nature, traveling, clothes, and so much more. I have so much love to give and I want to spread it around. I'm not saying you should go find more partners or friends or whatever, unless that's what you want. What I'm saying is YOU CAN. You have the choice whether to be monogamous or not, you have a choice whether to be more intimate with folks or not, you have the choice and the capacity. When a person gets married, that does not mean their love meter has reached its capacity. When a person meets a new friend, that does not mean their love for their other friends lessens. Love is abundant and always will be.

I'd like to also bring up the housing crisis a little to add another counterargument for the scarcity mindset. Many people believe there is not enough housing in certain cities or there is not enough money for state or local governments to invest in building housing for houseless folks. Let me say this: then why are restaurants legit building houses or bubbles for people to "dine-in, but not actually inside"? If you haven't seen them, google it. It's enraging to see how easily places have made enclosed spaces outside of their restaurants in order for folks to eat out during a pandemic. Why is this so easy, but building houses or at the very least, creating a secure and set spot for houseless folks to put up their tents? Our governments pick and choose. That's why. The marginalized folks are the ones hit the hardest and politicians don't make it a priority.

The scarcity mindset is supposed to throw people off. It's supposed to make people think there is not ___ to go around so that we start blaming each other, instead of looking at the bigger picture. I want more people to think about this and really question why certain things are the way they are. Why are we forced into compulsory monogamy? Why is the biggest population of houseless folks in one of the most expensive cities? Why is everyone supposed to pick to be a girl or boy? Isn't there more? Aren't we more? 

Lots of questions! Lots of thinking! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed it :-)

*Credit to Polyamorous While Asian for the post used above.*

social media hates sex (well..sorta)

So many huge platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, etc.) create these guidelines in order to control what they allow on their site and what they don't allow. Recently, Instagram shared that they would be clarifying their Terms of Service/Agreements and it will essentially make it harder for sex workers, sex educators, doulas, and more to post their content. I have seen so many sex educators censor the word "sex" and it is so disheartening and frustrating that these big ass platforms continue to do this. Instagram even wants to censor "sexual" emojis like the eggplant...WHAT?! They do so much violent censoring and to SPECIFIC people, too (meaning all sex workers and Black and Indigenous folks). Also, they allow a lot of content that pertains to the male gaze...SMH!!!!

Many sex educators, especially sex workers, rely on social media in order to make their income. It's where they share their content, where they find their clients, get visibility, etc. These platforms are already so violent towards sex workers, but now, specifically Instagram, will make it even more difficult for them to use this site. In a pandemic, really?! As if they haven't gone through enough. 

I wanted to bring attention to this on my blog because well my blog is about sexuality. It's important for us to stand by sex workers, sign petitions, donate to their funds, and show these violent corporations that they cannot continue to censor people's content. This affects so many people, but it also affects the audience: you. Personally, I have learned so much about sex education and sexuality in general just by using Instagram. It's like I took a sex education class on there with multiple teachers! So many wonderful creators share their content, whether it be about sex toys, relationships, non-monogamy, sex positions, orgasms, sexual trauma, sexual health, how race affects sex, etc., etc. Many of us do not get a proper sex education and only learn about limited topics. These creators on platforms like Instagram make it accessible for more people to explore beyond heterosexuality, monogamy, penetrative sex, or birth control. 

And guess who are the ones most affected by guidelines like these? Black and Indigenous communities. If a white, skinny celebrity posts a picture of their ass in a bikini - they will be not censored, shadow banned, or deleted. They will get allll of the likes, but if a sex worker is selling pictures of themselves of the same sort of photo, say goodbye to their account. I have heard too many stories of this happening. 

Anyways, basically these big platforms are doing exactly what they were made to do: censor BIPOC bodies while allowing white bodies to do whatever. Racism and violence towards BIPOC folks is very much alive in many aspects of their lives, especially in social media. Well, to end this, here are some funds you can donate to, I'll try to add more as I find them:

SWOP-USA - Organization fighting for safety of sex workers and educating folks that #SEXWORKISWORK

Zepp Wellness - This is their GoFundMe raising money to give free therapy to BIPOC folks and sex workers. This organization is also ran by sex workers! I didn't see a website, but here's their Instagram.

Relief fund for black sex workers - GoFundme

GoFundMe for disabled Black sex workers

Again, #sexworkiswork. Support your fellow sex workers, tip them only fans account, follow them on different platforms to keep up with them, donate, donate, donate, educate, educate, educate. The work sex workers, sex educators, and anyone within those spaces do is so important, please support them! Thanks for reading :-) 

'ships!

Ah, friendships. Some of the best relationships we will have in our lives. I think about my own friendships a lot - "what do they mean to me?" "What would I like in friendships?" "Wow, I have some special friends." This year has put a toll on my relationships in general, whether that be platonic, romantic, or familial. Apparently, 2020 wanted me to re-evaluate literally every 'ship in my life - THXXX for that, 2020, it's been very fun (says sarcastically). 

I've been finally watching all of Sex & the City (and trust me, I know how problematic it is), but I love the premise of the show: best friends fucking around in the city. It constantly reminds me of all the laughs I have had with friends and how important they are to me. It's wild that many people forget about their friends when they enter relationships, but I understand that sometimes, we are taught our romantic relationships should take precedence over any other relationship. I have always thought that was a load of bullshit and luckily in high school (where I started to think about 'ships), I had friends who thought the same thing. 

Alas, romantic relationships do change the way you navigate your other 'ships, it's just the reality of it. We are now spending way more time with this significant other while also juggling every thing else going on in our lives. I'll be honest, I have had a rough time accepting that in the past because friendships have always been a priority for me, but sometimes that's not the case for others and that's okay! I think the effort and care I receive when I do see/talk with friends is way more important than the actual amount of time I get to see them.

Recently, my therapist told me to write down what my ideal romantic relationship would have and as I was writing, I realized that those same traits are ones I want with my platonic relationships: love, communication, support, encouragement, allowing emotions to come out any time, etc. These are traits I want in, like, ANY relationship. They are things that make 'ships thrive and develop a deeper understanding of each other, which I'm sure is what many of us want. To have someone (or more) there for us when we need to talk, when we want company, when we want some love!

I saw this post by For Harriet recently asking, "Besides sex, what's the difference between a friendship and romantic relationship?" Reading the comment section was so interesting - the bottom line is that it's different for everyone! People have sex with their friends, but have no romantic attraction to them (and vice versa). People depend on their partners and friends equally (who you calling at 3am when you're crying?). People can be more intimate with their friends more than their partner (meaning of intimate is different for every individual). The reason I bring this is up is because relationships and their meaning do not have to abide to the standard, colonial reglas (rules). Just like sexuality, you get to define what these 'ships mean to you and how you and the other person(s) want to navigate them.

I want to deeply expand my relationships, new and old. I want to build my own rules and regulations (lol) for my relationships with the other person(s) because then we will be building something on our terms, what we want, what we need. And I think everyone should be allowed to do that and should be taught that. I genuinely believe that is how we will build stronger bonds, create the community we need, and have the support we want. It's beautiful, but also difficult because personally, I wasn't taught how to cultivate relationships this way. I was taught in a very binary way that friendships mean this and romance means that. I was also not taught how to communicate in a healthy way and I think communication is the gold mine for thriving relationships (still learning this haha). So now, I gotta do that solo (meaning find my own resources and figuring it out)!

Well..that'll be it! Let me know what you think! How are your 'ships different? Also, if you'd like any resources on this, let me know! I'm sure I could find a ton in my little archive :) Thanks for reading! 

let's not go up that escalator

Y'all ever heard about the relationship escalator? It's actually terrifying...at least for me! Lol. If ya don't know, the relationship escalator is what a lot of us learn how relationships should go: meet someone > become exclusive > fall in love > move in together > get married > have kids. Ba-da-bing, that's it. Apparently, that is the only way our relationships should go or end up going. Scary, right?! I mean, do we really have no other option except to follow that step-by-step guide on how to relationship? 

I have anxiety..like a lot of it. I have realized the relationship escalator is a big anxiety of mine when it comes to the 'ships and perhaps may be the root of my current brekk-yup. It's like..is it everyone's goal to end up getting married? Or..is everyone's end goal of a relationship marriage? Well, it really isn't. It's just something that has been placed in my head, anyone feel that way? 

I have read a lot of different people's opinions about this, mostly from non-monogamous folks, and many people have felt the same way. My therapist was actually the one that brought this up for me, she was like, "So, in your head you think the reason you are dating is to end up getting married?" I thought, "Damn, bitch. You got me." I never realized it!! In my head, the only reason I was even dating was to end up getting frickin' married..EW. So, what are the other reasons for people dating? Sex, company, intimacy, money, security, the list can go on. What are your thoughts? Why are you dating? Or why aren't you?

Thinking about it now..it's so interesting. There has to be so many other reasons for dating, but I can only think of that list. Our society has such a black and white/binary way of thinking about life. How is everyone in the world supposed to think the same and want the same thing (like the relationship escalator?). That's actually impossible! Humans are so complex and intricate that it's sort of hilarious to think that we are sometimes only taught about that escalator. 

I found this article about this and I really liked this reminder, "I think it is important to remember that we aren’t following a script, we are co-creating a relationship." Meaning we (as in the people in the relationship) gets to choose where it will go. They will get to choose whether they want to be on the escalator or not and get to choose what type of relationship they want. The script is made-up, the relationship is not.

Another thought: success and the relationship escalator. What's their relationship? Many people think that a person is successful in life if they have these things in their life: big kid job, marriage, and kids. I mean, shit, really? Again, humans are complex and intricate!!! We can't all want that? We can't all think that we have to have those things to be successful? But that's the trick! Many of us are taught that is what success looks like, but it can look so different for people. Maybe someone wants to have their own apartment and that's their success, or maybe owning a cat or two? Or perhaps raising a kid on their own? Or maybe just doing a job that they have always wanted to do. Honestly, anyone can be successful as long as they think they are successful. Success is defined individually, we have the choice to choose what being successful means for us. 

It is difficult to see it as "choosing" though. Some of us don't really have that choice, depending on our situation. Also, judgement is a dagger. We can feel hella successful in what we are doing in our life, but then a family member can come up to you and ask, "So where are the kids?" and all of a sudden, the work you have put in doesn't matter because that escalator is all they care about. When family or anyone important has that mindset, it is hard to feel proud of yourself of your work when others don't see it. But alas, we have to learn how to not listen to their judgement and continue to feel proud and happy of our work. 

This is a reminder that if you can, choose the life you want. Whether that be not having kids, being non-monogamous, living alone, just doing whatever pleases you because at the end of it, it is your life and we want to be proud of who we are. 

Let me know your thoughts! Why do you date? What's the end goal or course you want your relationship to go? What do you think about this relationship escalator? Thanks for reading! 

Kinxxx!

A couple of weeks ago I watched and listened to two different workshops: one about healing from sexual trauma and the other about kinky politics. I'd love to share what I learned from both, but I think each of them deserve their own post so I'll start with...

This workshop was held by Penda N'diaye from Pro Hoe and they had a discussion with Sonalee Rashatwar and Ev'yan Whitney. I follow Sonalee's workshops constantly and try my best to listen and watch the ones they do because I just learn SOO much from them. I had not heard about Ev'yan, but they also had so many amazing things to say during the talk. 

Kinky Politics was a workshop about exactly that - KINKS! And what that means for them and others. The first meaning I had to kink was how outside the box you can get with sex and pushing the norms we were used to. While that could be part of the meaning, they did bring something new to that definition for me. They discussed how "kinky" can literally be anything outside of societal norms and anything that goes against white supremacy. For queer, trans, non-binary, disabled, poly, folks of color, when they allow themselves to enjoy pleasure the way they want and to find things that make them feel good, that's kinky. White supremacy and capitalism wants people to solely focus on the heteronormative track: date a person of the opposite gender, get married, and have kids. So, when we break out of that, we are breaking norms that have been forced upon us. Now THAT'S kinky!

Ev'yan also brought up compulsory sexuality as well (which I believe they mentioned was from a book they were reading) and how some of us feel pressured to be super kinky or super queer, etc or else we're neither. Basically, we feel as if we do not try all these acrobatic positions or some form of BDSM, then we are not kinky. Or we feel as if we are not queer enough, or poly enough, etc. It all comes from shame, which is what this capitalistic and white supremacist society wants us to feel. So when we do not allow that shame to dictate how we go about our relationships and sexual experiences, then we are pushing those norms and being hella kinky!

That's the fun part about sexuality and exploring what sexuality means for us - we can literally label ourselves (or not) however we want AND also define those labels we feel comfortable with on our own terms. This is also a form of sexual liberation! We are exploring what kind of sex we want with no shame and we are looking into different forms of relationships (sexual or not). We are living our lives on our own terms, and that's not only kinky, but it's radical, it's liberating, and freeing. 

There are so many ways to explore our kinkiness, whether that be having sex (or not), watching porn (or not), reading about sexuality, transforming our ways of thinking, etc. Sonalee mentioned how we can transform the way we see sex when we dive deeper into the porn you actually want to watch, porn that is queer, that involves disabled folks, involves softness, has trans folks in it, or fantasies that we have been thinking about. By finding the ways we want to be sexual, we are liberating ourselves and allowing ourselves (and this is how Sonalee put it) to kill the cop in our head, kill the judgmental parent in our head, kill the racist in our heads. 

We have so much unlearning to do that it feels overwhelming and feels constant - and it will be. We have been taught so many toxic and racist ideas throughout our lives that it will take just as much time to unlearn those ideas as it took when you were taught them. I think that unlearning will be a forever process, just like self-love, and that's okay! Figuring out what you want out of relationships is also trial and error and that's okay! Watching and listening to workshops like this brings so much freedom and love into my life and that's what this workshop did for me. They also mentioned how giving yourself small pleasures daily is so vital for us. Whether that be giving ourselves a hug, reminding ourselves to breath, or making out with someone you like. Pleasure can come from so many places and we need to allow ourselves to give ourselves that pleasure.

SO..I'm kinky! and I think I've always known this, but felt ashamed and embarrassed to feel it, but IT'S TRUE! And I'm proud of myself for allowing me to call myself kinky and want to thank the speakers at the workshop - it was so transformative for me. I hope that this post brought you some light or a smile or a distraction, whatever you needed. Thanks for reading :-)

Ownership

Recently, Chella Man (instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chellaman/) talked about ownership by using an analogy with owning a puppy. He said, "Sometimes I see a puppy and instantly feel a flush of happiness. But not as happy as I would if I suddenly owned that puppy. If it were mine, my immediate reaction would be euphoria. Is this because I believe my happiness would never end if I had more time with it? Or is it the fact that I would own the puppy?" He went on to say how this idea can play into human relationships and how we can unlearn the feeling of ownership and rather learn the feeling of abundance.

After reading this, I thought about how ownership plays into every part of our lives. Whether that be a puppy, or an outfit we see on the street, or a partner that we expect to only love us and no one else. Let's say we do see an outfit on the street we love, we then wish we had that outfit (which is when the feeling that we don't have enough comes in), and then feel jealousy (because that person has what we want), and then leaving us with envy. Like...literally we could have just stopped at loving that outfit, but instead we WANT that outfit, we want to OWN that outfit. Because of those feelings, that sensation of love for that outfit has now changed to the negative sensation of envy. This then affects our moods, our body, the way we feel after seeing something we enjoyed looking at. 

When this plays into relationships, it gets messy. Jealousy and envy really bring the worst out of people and in our society, that is accepted and expected. I watch too much reality tv shows (oops), BUT the way they see relationships and the way they go about situations is quite brutal to watch. And this is stuff a lot of people are watching! It influences society and makes it okay for people to act a certain way or be expected to act a that way.

Jealousy can be a nasty trait, but it is also a natural one that we can't help but to feel. The part that makes it nasty is how a person goes about that feeling of jealousy - it's the ACTION. Man, the difference between words and actions and how that difference can affect the situation is so important and so different. Because we can say one thing, but then do the opposite. 

Anyways, the point of the post was to talk about ownership. If we did not feel like we had to own certain items, or animals, or people, then we can feel abundant in what we have right now. We can feel happy about the moment we are in, instead of wishing it was different. We can appreciate what we have in front of us and appreciate the fact that we can see it in front of us, instead of derailing towards envy. Appreciating something without feeling like you have to own it can change the way we view our relationships and the way we consume things in this world. 

I hope that made sense! I'd also like to add that..we can think all of these ideas and talk about them, but the most important part is that action and it can be difficult to do that part. I have now realized that unlearning certain ideas we have been taught takes a lot of effort, you have to consciously make the choice to change, and that is pretty difficult in a capitalistic society that distracts you in every way possible. It is worth it though, once you get the hang of it. I just want to say, practice unlearning with self compassion because if not, you'll just fall into a pool of self-criticism, which is the opposite of what we want in that process. Hope you're having a good morning/day/night! 

thought for ur thought

I first heard of non-monogamous relationships in college. I was taking my first human sexuality class and man..did that class BLOW MY MIND. I didn't know there were so many topics included in sexuality and that I didn't have to follow this rigid, heterosexual, monogamous lifestyle. That I can literally...be whoever I wanted. It was this specific feeling, like I was blocked by a wall and when I finally looked over that wall..it was a whole new world. 

That’s what I want more people to feel - the feeling of freedom and acceptance and compassion, especially related to sexuality. So, when I began learning about polyamory, poly-relationships, open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, etc..I was opened to a whole new way of looking at relationships. Not only romantically, but also it made me look at friendships differently, or rather..I looked at all of my relationships differently. I wanted to heal some and grow with some and question others. Even learning about the different relationships you can potentially have is very comforting and like a sigh of relief that you can create relationships that will help you grow.

In the Ethical Slut, written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, they talk about those different relationships and what they can mean for you and the other person. This literally can mean anything between sexually to physically to emotionally to intimacy. Hardy and Easton describe platonic relationships, being single, being monogamish, being in partnerships, hierarchies, etc. And the fun part of it all..it can all mean different things to different people!! That is why communication is KEY!!!! I don't think anyone can express how important communication is when it comes to relationships IN GENERAL. I should write a post about that…

Anyways, I would like to give you some food for thought about why the assumption that everyone on the planet should be monogamous (and this is a very racist, white supremacist, religious, colonized idea, let’s be real) and why that is just...so unrealistic. In the animal kingdom, it is pretty rare that animals mate for life and only with the opposite gender (and they sure as hell know there is not only two genders). So many fishes, primates, mammals, etc. have sex with different partners in their environment, cohabitate, and reproduce with different partners. For example, the bonobo (which humans share like..98% of the same DNA) are such sexual creatures. They will have sex with anyone in their community because it feels good to them! There are also some fishes that have genitalia that do not follow the gender binary and just generally..they break gender roles that humans follow! There are a few animals who you can also consider to be intersex or in that spectrum. Humans are legit one of the only animals that believe heterosexuality and monogamy are the only ways a person should engage in relationships. I mean...people really expect EVERY human to be with one human forever AND never explore any other genders???

When you really think about it, these are a set of rules. We have been given rules to follow (Who made up the rules? Why?) and if we do not follow them, shame may come..or guilt..or fear! So many LGBTQ+ folks live in fear of being judged or fear violence against them because they may be queer, or trans, or both. And people also value someone based off of who they are with and how many people they have been with or is with. Shame is a huge problem in our society.

When I see it as rules, I want to break them so badly, but have also been trained to follow them. We all have been trained to follow rules, whether that be who we should date, or what kind of career you should follow, or what kind of life you should live. It is this heteronormative cycle that is forced upon us -- birth, primary school, college, graduate, job, married, kids. Most people will agree that this is the step-by-step formula that we are trained to follow and stepping outside of it can be frightening. Luckily, more people from later generations are breaking this mindset and actually opening up doors for the generations to come.

And that is what I hope this post brought you..some open doors. Feeling stuck and feeling afraid of change or difference is so hard, but it is even harder to force yourself to do certain things because you feel like you have to. I hope to open doors to you all with different posts I make or at least make you question some ideas you may carry. Are they your’s? Or are they your parents’ or society’s? Thanks for reading!