Let's shake it up! (with a vibrator)

Alright, finally talking about a favorite topic of mine: SEX TOYZ!!! I don't really get the opportunity to talk about it, except when I awkwardly show a friend my new toy because I'm THAT excited. So I'm PUMPed to let y'all know some sweet (mostly online) sex toy shops that are queer and trans friendly, make safe toys, and BlPOC owned!

My experience with toys is a bit lower than I would like. Good toys that are actually good for your wonderful body parts can be quite expensive, but worth it. I have bought from Good Vibrations and Honey Play Box, which both have definitely not disappointed. I'll put the links of the ones I have and give a short review, in case any of you want an opinion!

*Disclaimer* I'll be talking about this research on sexual orgasms with folks who have vulvas. It's very binary and honestly, many studies that relate to sexuality, sadly, play into the gender binary. Let's fight for more studies that break down that fake binary!!!! But I'll be using more neutral and factual words in order to make it less binary. 

I was watching Love Island earlier (I know, I know. Reality TV shows..BLEH. But Love Island? Frickin' entertaining!) and they were throwing out facts at a game, right. They mentioned how many people with vulvas don't experience orgasms during penis-vulva intercourse and many of the contestants on Love Island were talking about how they basically all have faked an orgasm! You should've seen my face when I heard that. Not really out of shock, but more disappointment on how our society has let folks down. So, I looked up if this was true and sure as hell, it was. This study in Finland did five surveys about sex with people who had vulvas. Give it a quick read if you'd like to know the percentage! 

The reason I bring this up is because our society has done a complete disservice on teaching and informing folks on how to have an orgasm, especially those with vulvas. There is always a focus on those with penises and also mainstream porn makes it look like you can give aggressive thrusts and your partner will burst out an orgasm! 

Anyways, my point is that sex toys can sometimes be a great way to see what your body likes and how you can reach climax on your own! They can be used personally and also used with partners to add a bit of spice. Toys can also give you different sensations that you can't really feel with your hands. Alright, enough of that, let's actually talk about them!

My very first trip to a sex toy shop, I went with my friend and we were just very shy and awkwardly looking around. Soon enough, we were introduced to some beginner vibrators that made it less awkward and more fun! My first toy was this small, battery operated vibrator from Good Vibrations and it was a great first one. It did the job and made me excited to find other toys! Definitely don't like battery operated ones as much anymore, but this one was a great one to start with. 

Recently, I've taken a liking to Honey Play Box because some of my favorite sex educators talk about them all the time! I've gotten this vibrator/dildo, which the vibrations are a bit intense for me, but dildos are always fun. It's also double-sided, which means partner play!!! It comes with different settings and a small controller, so it can be used in a lot of different ways. Also want to say that if you share toys with your partners, make sure you're being safe and clean while having fun! It's good to read up on how to clean toys and such. Luckily, the toys I have gotten have given instructions on how to do that. 

Alright, now my faaaavorite one so far: The Seduction. Sounds intense, right? That's how I felt at least! Even when it arrived, I was like, "What the fuck did I buy?!" Hahah, it actually turned out so great and I will never look back. Sometimes toys seem a bit intense and scary, but once you try it out, hopefully you'll get excited and feel great! This toy not only has a small vibrating part, but it also sucks!! I tried it on my arm at first and accidentally gave it a hicky...oops! Don't try it on your arm obviously unless you just want to see how it feels, but beware: IT literally SUCKS. Feels great on the vulva, though, so I highly recommend this one. Honey Play Box also has great deals and you can for sure find promo codes to get a good discount. If you need any help with that, let me know!

Now for some other great sex toy shops that deserve some love that are queer or BIPOC owned:

enby - Black and Trans owned shop that focuses on toys that feel good for other trans folks and enbies. They sell all kinds of fun stuff so give them a look! They recently were being sued for using the word "enby" by some white folks (wildflower smh), so please consider supporting them.

New York Toy Collective - Queer owned shop that sells silicone dildos, packers, play kits, and more! 

Feelmore - Black owned! They've got all kinds of things, like dildos, straps, lube, and more! They also have a shop in Oakland and Berkeley I believe. 

There's Just Not Enough Of...

Food! Housing! Love! but wait..who told you that, though?

Pardon the quality - don't have a scanner lol. 

I recently read this post about "zero-sum thinking" or having a scarcity mindset and it got me excited to talk about because it plays into such a big part in our lives, especially in the United States (where I am). Growing up, I had this mindset, especially related to housing and food. I'll admit, I did learn very problematic ideas from my family and society that I'm not proud of. For example, that houseless folks have a reason for being houseless, which I now know is inhumane and not a good enough reason, ever. Humans have the right to have secure housing, enough food, clean water, and a safe, supportive environment. There will never be a good enough reason, in my eyes, for a person to lose any of these. If you still have that mindset, I suggest looking into yourself and finding your moral compass (because, truthfully, many of us have lost this).

There is always enough to go around. The scarcity mindset influences how we see our relationships and whether there is enough in us to go around. For example, if we have enough affection, love, or capacity to go around. Time and living spaces are things that can have a limit. There's only 24 hours a day so of course you can't exactly have 5 dates lined up in one day (unless your time management skills are impeccable, for that I commend you). If it's about whether you have enough love to go around, ask yourself, "Well, how much love do I have in me?" Can you answer that with a number or specific words?

The above post reads, "Sex At Dawn (written by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha), discusses how sex and love are viewed as scarce resources in compulsory monogamy. A person can only sustainably have sex with and love just one other person (at a time). However, that level of exclusivity isn't applied so intensely when it comes to children or friends." 

How come we have capacities for love in romantic relationships, but not for friendships or for family? We usually don't say to ourselves, "I can't make another friend, there's just not enough friendship in me?" Many of us are very open to making friends throughout our lives and never really think about whether we have to only have one friend. Another example, is the children part! Parents and caregivers love all of their children, whether that be equal or not is based on the parent/caregiver, but they of course have enough love to go around for all of their kids! Why is love measured when it comes to more romantic or sexual relationships, but not the platonic or familial ones? That's when the scarcity mindset comes in, but also where society likes to pick and choose which rules apply to certain situations. 

We of course have enough love to go around! I love my friends, family, pets, books, nature, traveling, clothes, and so much more. I have so much love to give and I want to spread it around. I'm not saying you should go find more partners or friends or whatever, unless that's what you want. What I'm saying is YOU CAN. You have the choice whether to be monogamous or not, you have a choice whether to be more intimate with folks or not, you have the choice and the capacity. When a person gets married, that does not mean their love meter has reached its capacity. When a person meets a new friend, that does not mean their love for their other friends lessens. Love is abundant and always will be.

I'd like to also bring up the housing crisis a little to add another counterargument for the scarcity mindset. Many people believe there is not enough housing in certain cities or there is not enough money for state or local governments to invest in building housing for houseless folks. Let me say this: then why are restaurants legit building houses or bubbles for people to "dine-in, but not actually inside"? If you haven't seen them, google it. It's enraging to see how easily places have made enclosed spaces outside of their restaurants in order for folks to eat out during a pandemic. Why is this so easy, but building houses or at the very least, creating a secure and set spot for houseless folks to put up their tents? Our governments pick and choose. That's why. The marginalized folks are the ones hit the hardest and politicians don't make it a priority.

The scarcity mindset is supposed to throw people off. It's supposed to make people think there is not ___ to go around so that we start blaming each other, instead of looking at the bigger picture. I want more people to think about this and really question why certain things are the way they are. Why are we forced into compulsory monogamy? Why is the biggest population of houseless folks in one of the most expensive cities? Why is everyone supposed to pick to be a girl or boy? Isn't there more? Aren't we more? 

Lots of questions! Lots of thinking! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed it :-)

*Credit to Polyamorous While Asian for the post used above.*