Ohhhh yes, I'm talking about orgasms! Cumming, releasing, busting, jizzing! I'm not gonna lie, I looked up different words to say orgasm and had a good giggle reading them. Sometimes saying or reading sex words is funny and I want to emphasize the FUN in FUNny because that is what we are focusing on today!
Questions to ask oneself: What is sex to me? What actions does it include? How does it feel? Is there a goal? Once you start diving deep into what sex actually means you, you can shape the kind of experience you would like to receive during it and this goes for solo and partnered sex. Yup! Ya heard it right, masturbating is also sex!
I've come to realize that goal oriented sex is not my favorite. By "goal oriented" I mean having an ending to the sex I have, which is every party included having an orgasm. Having this thought during sex causes a lot of stress, overthinking, and anxious thoughts in me and I know I'm not the only one. Once I started reading more about sex and sexuality, I soon learned that sex isn't only about having that release! It's about the foreplay, the intimacy, the sensations we feel, or the emotions. There are literally so many other aspects to focus than having an orgasm. Once I learned this, sex became a whole different world with way less anxiety (WIIIN).
I saw this post from Pleasure Centered Sexology that said, "The laziness lie says that if you're not working towards a goal during sex (giving someone what they want or having an orgasm) and if you're not achieving those goals (orgasms, erections, wetness) then sexual encounters are unsuccessful. When sex becomes another task. to complete or a skill to excel at, sexual and pleasure satisfaction drops exponentially." This is exactly it! When our mentality sticks to this goal oriented mindset, we are also stopping the possibility of different pleasures we can feel or just different sexual experiences.
Many of us have performance anxiety when it comes to sex and that is totally normal, especially when it's the first few times. Yes, I did mean FEW times because having sex one time does not get rid of the anxiety after that, sadly. Although, what will lessen having anxiety, stress, or unwanted thoughts, is knowing that everyone goes through this and also...a person can have sex with tons of people and still feel performance anxiety because ever.person.is.DIFFERENT! That means we gotta learn and relearn and unlearn different techniques during sex because everyone has different enjoyments.
Some things that I think could be helpful for folks having performance anxiety is 1) communication, like always. I'm sorry, but this will always be on the list of every topic I talk about. It's just the best way to get on the same page and know how to comfort each other. If you're feeling anxious, talk about it! Maybe your partner is feeling the same way or they could provide you with reassurance. 2) Try not to focus on the orgasm. Breathing is key during sex (yes, when someone is eating you out - BREATHE). It relieves tension and makes you focus on what you are feeling on your body. It's also helpful to think about what you are feeling - is your/their skin soft? Are you cold or hot? What do you find sexy about yourself/them? Are you/they hitting a good spot? These kinds of questions can help you get back to the moment you are in, not your anxious thoughts. 3) HAVE FUN!! Remember, this is supposed to be fun, silly, sexy, etc. This is a time to feel good so if you want to laugh, laugh! If you want to make a silly joke, do it! I love when I laugh during sex, it's just a good reminder that this is about a good time :)
That's why I believe sex educators call this pleasure focused sex - meaning pleasure is the main focus of sex, not an end goal (a.k.a. orgasm). Having an orgasm is just another extra fun thing to do during sex! By getting rid of the stress of you (or your partner) having to have that release, it opens up doors for more comfortability. Even if the sex doesn't end in an orgasm, ask yourself, "Did I have fun, though? Did it feel hella good? Did I learn something new?" Because the answers to questions like these will determine whether that sex was pleasurable or not.
What I want folks to get out of this post is: it's not only about the orgasms! Performance anxiety during sex is real and a lot of the times it's because of the huge focus on having that release. Next time, maybe tell your partner, "Hey, let's not think about orgasms today and really focus on other areas while having sex!" If you end up having one, great! If you end up not having one, great! As long as you are having fun and feeling good, that's the real end goal. I hope this encouraged you to take pleasure in other intimacies and remember, take your time, breathe, and don't take it too seriously. Thanks for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment