I've been asking myself these questions the last few weeks and have talked about it with friends - the outcome wasn't very promising, I'm not going to lie. I realized that I don't have any "model" (romantic) relationships that I look up to and didn't grow up with that. All the romantic relationships that I saw were dysfunctional, toxic, even scary sometimes. I was honestly a bit shocked at how this is what came up for me when I thought about whether there's a relationship I look up to.
I got a little cynical about it, y'know. I was sad that I didn't/don't have that to look up to (personally), to seek advice from, to see as hope for my own future 'ships. Then of course, I thought about it some more, read other people's thoughts about this topic, and well..here's what I came up with.
We've grown up in a very screwed up world. Many of our families are dysfunctional and have caused harm to the next generation without really realizing it. Toxic behaviors have been passed down, trauma has been passed down, and not having the resources or tools to better these have been passed down. Luckily, more services are out there for the younger generations, but of course more can be done. Anyways, my parents and family haven't had the easiest life. Sometimes I think my parents, specifically, have gone through life assuming their choices and their options - without giving it more thought. That's probably because of their upbringing, their own parents, the society they lived in while in a different country. And this happens in many families.
Many of our families haven't had the chance to choose their relationships, to choose what they want out of them, to just..choose. So when I think about how I don't have any "model" relationships around me, I think about this. How they didn't have the opportunities that I have when it comes breaking generational toxicity or to even think about that. So cynicism has passed for me, but now what?
The initial point of this post was supposed to be the different types of relationships we can have because there are SO many. I was reminded earlier today that not many people know about the relationship escalator and then it drew me to writing this SO let's get to the actual point of the damn post!
One of the most freeing ideas that I have learned in the past few years is that I can mold my own relationships into whatever I and the other person/s want or need. I'm tired of rules, I'm tired of expectations, I'm just tired. I'm sure many of you feel this way - feeling like you have to do something because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Dress a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Act a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. But guess what? You don't have to.
This mentality can fit into many aspects of our lives, but I'm going to focus more on intimate and romantic relationships and what kinds of relationships there are out there. The internet has made it much easier for us to read and see other types of relationships that we may want! Whether that be queer relationships, or polyamorous relationships, or people of color loving on other people of color, and more!!!
I'm going to share different types of relationship structures that maybe you haven't heard of or haven't seen! I'd like to start off with a bit about the relationship escalator. I wrote about it here, but I'll insert a definition I found online: Relationships escalator is "the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal."
- Amy Gahran, Off the Relationship Escalator. Essentially, society tells us we must find our "person" and date them then move in together and then marry them and then have kids and then...well that's basically it. Clearly, this formula does not work for everyone and not everyone wants it! Remember, you and your person/s in the relationship get to create your own formula. As long as both of you are happy with it, that is all that matters. Step off that escalator! Now let's discuss other 'ships:
Polyamorous relationships: This Medium article defines it as "the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved." People will sometimes add that they can fall in love with multiple people at the same time or just have the desire to date multiple people at the same time.
Non-monogamous: This one is more of an umbrella term for folks! Usually defined as dating or in a relationship with multiple people, whether that be emotionally, romantically, or sexually.
Now along with those two, you'll usually find terms like these: kitchen table polyam, solo polyam, monogamish, swingers, and more!!! Check out this post from polyamorouswhileasian where she defines these terms and more.
Triad: This type of relationship has 3 people in it and they are all dating each other! Sometimes a couple will open up their relationship and find another person to add to the mix. Be mindful of unicorn hunters though...these people may fetishize the third person and essentially use them for sex or perhaps a way to "fix" their relationship.
Many of us are familiar with friends with benefits, which usually means the relationship is based off of sex or mutual interest in something specific. I think many people think this situation can turn messy quickly, but if both parties are communicative, respectful, and honest then really it can benefit the people who are in the relationship.
I just named off a few good ways to be in a relationship...did ya learn or read something new? I hope so!!! I want more people to feel free in their relationships, whether that be monogamous or not. Or even being in a relationship in unconventional ways like living together, but having your own room! Or choosing not to get married or having kids! Or focusing on yourself more than a relationship! Or prioritizing friendships and family more than romantic relationships! As an individual, a human being, you are able to decide what will make you feel fulfilled and content. Sometimes doing this will invite people to criticize or shame you, but y'know what? In the long run, this is your life and you are living it, not anybody else.
So, basically I'm a relationship anarchist (one last term!!!!). A relationship anarchist is a person who deconstructs societal expectations of what a romantic relationship entails. I really align with the definition polyphilia shared in their tiktok here. I loved how she said relationship anarchists "customize their commitments" because that is exactly how I see it. I see all my relationships as a priority, not just my romantic ones. I also don't think all these societal norms on relationships fits into everyone's lives - it's just not realistic. Being able to mold your relationship and how that 'ship will flow into your life is so freeing!
There are so many ways to live in this world - we just haven't been shown those ways because of capitalism, the need for control, white supremacy, and colonization. Because guess what? A lot of these structures of relationships that I talked about here are not new information!!! Many indigenous communities and our own ancestors had these ideologies, they were just violently erased. So, remember that we get to customize our own 'ships and honestly our own life. Make decisions based off of what you want and need. Read different people's perspectives and maybe think about whether the decisions we make are made because we assume it's what we have to do. I hope you learned something in this post and if you read to the bottom of this post, thank you!! I hope you enjoyed :)
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