I have anxiety..like a lot of it. I have realized the relationship escalator is a big anxiety of mine when it comes to the 'ships and perhaps may be the root of my current brekk-yup. It's like..is it everyone's goal to end up getting married? Or..is everyone's end goal of a relationship marriage? Well, it really isn't. It's just something that has been placed in my head, anyone feel that way?
I have read a lot of different people's opinions about this, mostly from non-monogamous folks, and many people have felt the same way. My therapist was actually the one that brought this up for me, she was like, "So, in your head you think the reason you are dating is to end up getting married?" I thought, "Damn, bitch. You got me." I never realized it!! In my head, the only reason I was even dating was to end up getting frickin' married..EW. So, what are the other reasons for people dating? Sex, company, intimacy, money, security, the list can go on. What are your thoughts? Why are you dating? Or why aren't you?
Thinking about it now..it's so interesting. There has to be so many other reasons for dating, but I can only think of that list. Our society has such a black and white/binary way of thinking about life. How is everyone in the world supposed to think the same and want the same thing (like the relationship escalator?). That's actually impossible! Humans are so complex and intricate that it's sort of hilarious to think that we are sometimes only taught about that escalator.
I found this article about this and I really liked this reminder, "I think it is important to remember that we aren’t following a script, we are co-creating a relationship." Meaning we (as in the people in the relationship) gets to choose where it will go. They will get to choose whether they want to be on the escalator or not and get to choose what type of relationship they want. The script is made-up, the relationship is not.
Another thought: success and the relationship escalator. What's their relationship? Many people think that a person is successful in life if they have these things in their life: big kid job, marriage, and kids. I mean, shit, really? Again, humans are complex and intricate!!! We can't all want that? We can't all think that we have to have those things to be successful? But that's the trick! Many of us are taught that is what success looks like, but it can look so different for people. Maybe someone wants to have their own apartment and that's their success, or maybe owning a cat or two? Or perhaps raising a kid on their own? Or maybe just doing a job that they have always wanted to do. Honestly, anyone can be successful as long as they think they are successful. Success is defined individually, we have the choice to choose what being successful means for us.
It is difficult to see it as "choosing" though. Some of us don't really have that choice, depending on our situation. Also, judgement is a dagger. We can feel hella successful in what we are doing in our life, but then a family member can come up to you and ask, "So where are the kids?" and all of a sudden, the work you have put in doesn't matter because that escalator is all they care about. When family or anyone important has that mindset, it is hard to feel proud of yourself of your work when others don't see it. But alas, we have to learn how to not listen to their judgement and continue to feel proud and happy of our work.
This is a reminder that if you can, choose the life you want. Whether that be not having kids, being non-monogamous, living alone, just doing whatever pleases you because at the end of it, it is your life and we want to be proud of who we are.
Let me know your thoughts! Why do you date? What's the end goal or course you want your relationship to go? What do you think about this relationship escalator? Thanks for reading!
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