Ownership

Recently, Chella Man (instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chellaman/) talked about ownership by using an analogy with owning a puppy. He said, "Sometimes I see a puppy and instantly feel a flush of happiness. But not as happy as I would if I suddenly owned that puppy. If it were mine, my immediate reaction would be euphoria. Is this because I believe my happiness would never end if I had more time with it? Or is it the fact that I would own the puppy?" He went on to say how this idea can play into human relationships and how we can unlearn the feeling of ownership and rather learn the feeling of abundance.

After reading this, I thought about how ownership plays into every part of our lives. Whether that be a puppy, or an outfit we see on the street, or a partner that we expect to only love us and no one else. Let's say we do see an outfit on the street we love, we then wish we had that outfit (which is when the feeling that we don't have enough comes in), and then feel jealousy (because that person has what we want), and then leaving us with envy. Like...literally we could have just stopped at loving that outfit, but instead we WANT that outfit, we want to OWN that outfit. Because of those feelings, that sensation of love for that outfit has now changed to the negative sensation of envy. This then affects our moods, our body, the way we feel after seeing something we enjoyed looking at. 

When this plays into relationships, it gets messy. Jealousy and envy really bring the worst out of people and in our society, that is accepted and expected. I watch too much reality tv shows (oops), BUT the way they see relationships and the way they go about situations is quite brutal to watch. And this is stuff a lot of people are watching! It influences society and makes it okay for people to act a certain way or be expected to act a that way.

Jealousy can be a nasty trait, but it is also a natural one that we can't help but to feel. The part that makes it nasty is how a person goes about that feeling of jealousy - it's the ACTION. Man, the difference between words and actions and how that difference can affect the situation is so important and so different. Because we can say one thing, but then do the opposite. 

Anyways, the point of the post was to talk about ownership. If we did not feel like we had to own certain items, or animals, or people, then we can feel abundant in what we have right now. We can feel happy about the moment we are in, instead of wishing it was different. We can appreciate what we have in front of us and appreciate the fact that we can see it in front of us, instead of derailing towards envy. Appreciating something without feeling like you have to own it can change the way we view our relationships and the way we consume things in this world. 

I hope that made sense! I'd also like to add that..we can think all of these ideas and talk about them, but the most important part is that action and it can be difficult to do that part. I have now realized that unlearning certain ideas we have been taught takes a lot of effort, you have to consciously make the choice to change, and that is pretty difficult in a capitalistic society that distracts you in every way possible. It is worth it though, once you get the hang of it. I just want to say, practice unlearning with self compassion because if not, you'll just fall into a pool of self-criticism, which is the opposite of what we want in that process. Hope you're having a good morning/day/night! 

thought for ur thought

I first heard of non-monogamous relationships in college. I was taking my first human sexuality class and man..did that class BLOW MY MIND. I didn't know there were so many topics included in sexuality and that I didn't have to follow this rigid, heterosexual, monogamous lifestyle. That I can literally...be whoever I wanted. It was this specific feeling, like I was blocked by a wall and when I finally looked over that wall..it was a whole new world. 

That’s what I want more people to feel - the feeling of freedom and acceptance and compassion, especially related to sexuality. So, when I began learning about polyamory, poly-relationships, open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, etc..I was opened to a whole new way of looking at relationships. Not only romantically, but also it made me look at friendships differently, or rather..I looked at all of my relationships differently. I wanted to heal some and grow with some and question others. Even learning about the different relationships you can potentially have is very comforting and like a sigh of relief that you can create relationships that will help you grow.

In the Ethical Slut, written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, they talk about those different relationships and what they can mean for you and the other person. This literally can mean anything between sexually to physically to emotionally to intimacy. Hardy and Easton describe platonic relationships, being single, being monogamish, being in partnerships, hierarchies, etc. And the fun part of it all..it can all mean different things to different people!! That is why communication is KEY!!!! I don't think anyone can express how important communication is when it comes to relationships IN GENERAL. I should write a post about that…

Anyways, I would like to give you some food for thought about why the assumption that everyone on the planet should be monogamous (and this is a very racist, white supremacist, religious, colonized idea, let’s be real) and why that is just...so unrealistic. In the animal kingdom, it is pretty rare that animals mate for life and only with the opposite gender (and they sure as hell know there is not only two genders). So many fishes, primates, mammals, etc. have sex with different partners in their environment, cohabitate, and reproduce with different partners. For example, the bonobo (which humans share like..98% of the same DNA) are such sexual creatures. They will have sex with anyone in their community because it feels good to them! There are also some fishes that have genitalia that do not follow the gender binary and just generally..they break gender roles that humans follow! There are a few animals who you can also consider to be intersex or in that spectrum. Humans are legit one of the only animals that believe heterosexuality and monogamy are the only ways a person should engage in relationships. I mean...people really expect EVERY human to be with one human forever AND never explore any other genders???

When you really think about it, these are a set of rules. We have been given rules to follow (Who made up the rules? Why?) and if we do not follow them, shame may come..or guilt..or fear! So many LGBTQ+ folks live in fear of being judged or fear violence against them because they may be queer, or trans, or both. And people also value someone based off of who they are with and how many people they have been with or is with. Shame is a huge problem in our society.

When I see it as rules, I want to break them so badly, but have also been trained to follow them. We all have been trained to follow rules, whether that be who we should date, or what kind of career you should follow, or what kind of life you should live. It is this heteronormative cycle that is forced upon us -- birth, primary school, college, graduate, job, married, kids. Most people will agree that this is the step-by-step formula that we are trained to follow and stepping outside of it can be frightening. Luckily, more people from later generations are breaking this mindset and actually opening up doors for the generations to come.

And that is what I hope this post brought you..some open doors. Feeling stuck and feeling afraid of change or difference is so hard, but it is even harder to force yourself to do certain things because you feel like you have to. I hope to open doors to you all with different posts I make or at least make you question some ideas you may carry. Are they your’s? Or are they your parents’ or society’s? Thanks for reading!