Now This Is Orgasmic

Ohhhh yes, I'm talking about orgasms! Cumming, releasing, busting, jizzing! I'm not gonna lie, I looked up different words to say orgasm and had a good giggle reading them. Sometimes saying or reading sex words is funny and I want to emphasize the FUN in FUNny because that is what we are focusing on today!

Questions to ask oneself: What is sex to me? What actions does it include? How does it feel? Is there a goal? Once you start diving deep into what sex actually means you, you can shape the kind of experience you would like to receive during it and this goes for solo and partnered sex. Yup! Ya heard it right, masturbating is also sex! 

I've come to realize that goal oriented sex is not my favorite. By "goal oriented" I mean having an ending to the sex I have, which is every party included having an orgasm. Having this thought during sex causes a lot of stress, overthinking, and anxious thoughts in me and I know I'm not the only one. Once I started reading more about sex and sexuality, I soon learned that sex isn't only about having that release! It's about the foreplay, the intimacy, the sensations we feel, or the emotions. There are literally so many other aspects to focus than having an orgasm. Once I learned this, sex became a whole different world with way less anxiety (WIIIN). 

I saw this post from Pleasure Centered Sexology that said, "The laziness lie says that if you're not working towards a goal during sex (giving someone what they want or having an orgasm) and if you're not achieving those goals (orgasms, erections, wetness) then sexual encounters are unsuccessful. When sex becomes another task. to complete or a skill to excel at, sexual and pleasure satisfaction drops exponentially." This is exactly it! When our mentality sticks to this goal oriented mindset, we are also stopping the possibility of different pleasures we can feel or just different sexual experiences.

Many of us have performance anxiety when it comes to sex and that is totally normal, especially when it's the first few times. Yes, I did mean FEW times because having sex one time does not get rid of the anxiety after that, sadly. Although, what will lessen having anxiety, stress, or unwanted thoughts, is knowing that everyone goes through this and also...a person can have sex with tons of people and still feel performance anxiety because ever.person.is.DIFFERENT! That means we gotta learn and relearn and unlearn different techniques during sex because everyone has different enjoyments. 

Some things that I think could be helpful for folks having performance anxiety is 1) communication,  like always. I'm sorry, but this will always be on the list of every topic I talk about. It's just the best way to get on the same page and know how to comfort each other. If you're feeling anxious, talk about it! Maybe your partner is feeling the same way or they could provide you with reassurance. 2) Try not to focus on the orgasm. Breathing is key during sex (yes, when someone is eating you out - BREATHE). It relieves tension and makes you focus on what you are feeling on your body. It's also helpful to think about what you are feeling - is your/their skin soft? Are you cold or hot? What do you find sexy about yourself/them? Are you/they hitting a good spot? These kinds of questions can help you get back to the moment you are in, not your anxious thoughts. 3) HAVE FUN!! Remember, this is supposed to be fun, silly, sexy, etc. This is a time to feel good so if you want to laugh, laugh! If you want to make a silly joke, do it! I love when I laugh during sex, it's just a good reminder that this is about a good time :)

That's why I believe sex educators call this pleasure focused sex - meaning pleasure is the main focus of sex, not an end goal (a.k.a. orgasm). Having an orgasm is just another extra fun thing to do during sex! By getting rid of the stress of you (or your partner) having to have that release, it opens up doors for more comfortability. Even if the sex doesn't end in an orgasm, ask yourself, "Did I have fun, though? Did it feel hella good? Did I learn something new?" Because the answers to questions like these will determine whether that sex was pleasurable or not.

What I want folks to get out of this post is: it's not only about the orgasms! Performance anxiety during sex is real and a lot of the times it's because of the huge focus on having that release. Next time, maybe tell your partner, "Hey, let's not think about orgasms today and really focus on other areas while having sex!" If you end up having one, great! If you end up not having one, great! As long as you are having fun and feeling good, that's the real end goal. I hope this encouraged you to take pleasure in other intimacies and remember, take your time, breathe, and don't take it too seriously. Thanks for reading! 

Friends aren't always easy

It's true. In general, any type of relationship we have will not be peaceful all the time. There is always going to be miscommunication, ghosting, disconnection, or any mishap. Just because we may not be in a romantic relationship with someone does not mean we don't need to put any effort into it. A lot of effort and care needs to go in every relationship we have in our lives.

I will sort of bounce off my last post on friendship because I just have so much to say! I saw this caption from these two best friends sharing a raw audio of their conversation about what was going on between them. It was honest, intimate, and you can hear how difficult it was. Friendships are not just about being there to gossip with or there to party with or to talk to when one is feeling lonely. Friendships are about intimacy, love, looking out for each other, and reciprocity. So how can we maintain our friendships to make sure both and all parties are feeling cared for?

Communication - This is pretty obvious because communication is such an important part in every relationship. We need to feel comfortable to talk about our feelings. Not only positive ones, but the hard ones as well. Sometimes a friend will say something out of pocket, and if that happens, then the other friend can communicate their feelings if they were hurt. If we push feelings away and not discuss them when we feel hurt, then we are losing chances in creating a better foundation for a relationship. By being honest about feelings and actually putting the effort into telling the other person, we are then showing how much we care. If we didn't actually care, then we would brush it off and potentially lose a moment where we make our relationship deeper. Be open to sharing your feelings, but also be open to hearing your friends' feelings as well.

Tangible Effort - This is not about gifts, this is not about daily calls (unless those are your love languages). Actually, love languages are the perfect example. I think it's important to know people's love languages in friendships as well. That way, we know how we can show them love and how they can feel that love. Sometimes a person needs those gifts, or weekly hangouts, or occasional facetimes. It really depends on the person, but showing that effort to people reassures them that you care about them and love them. Even in friendships we need those reassurances! Making an effort is important and will make friendships everlasting. 

Knowing when it's over - Like all relationships, they may not last and that is okay. Sometimes you grow out of each other and are not compatible anymore. Sometimes your lives get busy and may not care to make time for certain friends. It happens! Friendship break-ups are actually very difficult and are sometimes harder to accept, but they happen and that's okay. What we need to realize is our worth, what we deserve, and where reciprocity is needed for us. If they can't show you those things, it may be time to revaluate those friendships. 

Understanding - Always, always. Our lives can be a mess, we can be a mess. Imagine having family to take care of, a partner, a job, school, and multiple friends? It's quite difficult to maintain all of these in a harmonious way. Life is messy! It's important to recognize and remind ourselves of this when we feel a friend cannot give us the attention we may want. We've gotta meet halfway with people and if you can figure that out, then you've got a wonderful friendship there. In every relationship, every situation, trying to understand each other plays a huge role in maintaining that relationship so that you are not going in circles. 

Each of these aspects plays into every one of our relationships. There is soooo much more to say, but I'll leave it at this: Your platonic relationships deserve support, love, and care. They deserve time, effort, and attention. And you deserve all of these. Maintaining relationships is difficult, especially during a pandemic, so be kind to yourself and know you are trying your best. Thanks for reading!