social media hates sex (well..sorta)

So many huge platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, etc.) create these guidelines in order to control what they allow on their site and what they don't allow. Recently, Instagram shared that they would be clarifying their Terms of Service/Agreements and it will essentially make it harder for sex workers, sex educators, doulas, and more to post their content. I have seen so many sex educators censor the word "sex" and it is so disheartening and frustrating that these big ass platforms continue to do this. Instagram even wants to censor "sexual" emojis like the eggplant...WHAT?! They do so much violent censoring and to SPECIFIC people, too (meaning all sex workers and Black and Indigenous folks). Also, they allow a lot of content that pertains to the male gaze...SMH!!!!

Many sex educators, especially sex workers, rely on social media in order to make their income. It's where they share their content, where they find their clients, get visibility, etc. These platforms are already so violent towards sex workers, but now, specifically Instagram, will make it even more difficult for them to use this site. In a pandemic, really?! As if they haven't gone through enough. 

I wanted to bring attention to this on my blog because well my blog is about sexuality. It's important for us to stand by sex workers, sign petitions, donate to their funds, and show these violent corporations that they cannot continue to censor people's content. This affects so many people, but it also affects the audience: you. Personally, I have learned so much about sex education and sexuality in general just by using Instagram. It's like I took a sex education class on there with multiple teachers! So many wonderful creators share their content, whether it be about sex toys, relationships, non-monogamy, sex positions, orgasms, sexual trauma, sexual health, how race affects sex, etc., etc. Many of us do not get a proper sex education and only learn about limited topics. These creators on platforms like Instagram make it accessible for more people to explore beyond heterosexuality, monogamy, penetrative sex, or birth control. 

And guess who are the ones most affected by guidelines like these? Black and Indigenous communities. If a white, skinny celebrity posts a picture of their ass in a bikini - they will be not censored, shadow banned, or deleted. They will get allll of the likes, but if a sex worker is selling pictures of themselves of the same sort of photo, say goodbye to their account. I have heard too many stories of this happening. 

Anyways, basically these big platforms are doing exactly what they were made to do: censor BIPOC bodies while allowing white bodies to do whatever. Racism and violence towards BIPOC folks is very much alive in many aspects of their lives, especially in social media. Well, to end this, here are some funds you can donate to, I'll try to add more as I find them:

SWOP-USA - Organization fighting for safety of sex workers and educating folks that #SEXWORKISWORK

Zepp Wellness - This is their GoFundMe raising money to give free therapy to BIPOC folks and sex workers. This organization is also ran by sex workers! I didn't see a website, but here's their Instagram.

Relief fund for black sex workers - GoFundme

GoFundMe for disabled Black sex workers

Again, #sexworkiswork. Support your fellow sex workers, tip them only fans account, follow them on different platforms to keep up with them, donate, donate, donate, educate, educate, educate. The work sex workers, sex educators, and anyone within those spaces do is so important, please support them! Thanks for reading :-) 

'ships!

Ah, friendships. Some of the best relationships we will have in our lives. I think about my own friendships a lot - "what do they mean to me?" "What would I like in friendships?" "Wow, I have some special friends." This year has put a toll on my relationships in general, whether that be platonic, romantic, or familial. Apparently, 2020 wanted me to re-evaluate literally every 'ship in my life - THXXX for that, 2020, it's been very fun (says sarcastically). 

I've been finally watching all of Sex & the City (and trust me, I know how problematic it is), but I love the premise of the show: best friends fucking around in the city. It constantly reminds me of all the laughs I have had with friends and how important they are to me. It's wild that many people forget about their friends when they enter relationships, but I understand that sometimes, we are taught our romantic relationships should take precedence over any other relationship. I have always thought that was a load of bullshit and luckily in high school (where I started to think about 'ships), I had friends who thought the same thing. 

Alas, romantic relationships do change the way you navigate your other 'ships, it's just the reality of it. We are now spending way more time with this significant other while also juggling every thing else going on in our lives. I'll be honest, I have had a rough time accepting that in the past because friendships have always been a priority for me, but sometimes that's not the case for others and that's okay! I think the effort and care I receive when I do see/talk with friends is way more important than the actual amount of time I get to see them.

Recently, my therapist told me to write down what my ideal romantic relationship would have and as I was writing, I realized that those same traits are ones I want with my platonic relationships: love, communication, support, encouragement, allowing emotions to come out any time, etc. These are traits I want in, like, ANY relationship. They are things that make 'ships thrive and develop a deeper understanding of each other, which I'm sure is what many of us want. To have someone (or more) there for us when we need to talk, when we want company, when we want some love!

I saw this post by For Harriet recently asking, "Besides sex, what's the difference between a friendship and romantic relationship?" Reading the comment section was so interesting - the bottom line is that it's different for everyone! People have sex with their friends, but have no romantic attraction to them (and vice versa). People depend on their partners and friends equally (who you calling at 3am when you're crying?). People can be more intimate with their friends more than their partner (meaning of intimate is different for every individual). The reason I bring this is up is because relationships and their meaning do not have to abide to the standard, colonial reglas (rules). Just like sexuality, you get to define what these 'ships mean to you and how you and the other person(s) want to navigate them.

I want to deeply expand my relationships, new and old. I want to build my own rules and regulations (lol) for my relationships with the other person(s) because then we will be building something on our terms, what we want, what we need. And I think everyone should be allowed to do that and should be taught that. I genuinely believe that is how we will build stronger bonds, create the community we need, and have the support we want. It's beautiful, but also difficult because personally, I wasn't taught how to cultivate relationships this way. I was taught in a very binary way that friendships mean this and romance means that. I was also not taught how to communicate in a healthy way and I think communication is the gold mine for thriving relationships (still learning this haha). So now, I gotta do that solo (meaning find my own resources and figuring it out)!

Well..that'll be it! Let me know what you think! How are your 'ships different? Also, if you'd like any resources on this, let me know! I'm sure I could find a ton in my little archive :) Thanks for reading! 

let's not go up that escalator

Y'all ever heard about the relationship escalator? It's actually terrifying...at least for me! Lol. If ya don't know, the relationship escalator is what a lot of us learn how relationships should go: meet someone > become exclusive > fall in love > move in together > get married > have kids. Ba-da-bing, that's it. Apparently, that is the only way our relationships should go or end up going. Scary, right?! I mean, do we really have no other option except to follow that step-by-step guide on how to relationship? 

I have anxiety..like a lot of it. I have realized the relationship escalator is a big anxiety of mine when it comes to the 'ships and perhaps may be the root of my current brekk-yup. It's like..is it everyone's goal to end up getting married? Or..is everyone's end goal of a relationship marriage? Well, it really isn't. It's just something that has been placed in my head, anyone feel that way? 

I have read a lot of different people's opinions about this, mostly from non-monogamous folks, and many people have felt the same way. My therapist was actually the one that brought this up for me, she was like, "So, in your head you think the reason you are dating is to end up getting married?" I thought, "Damn, bitch. You got me." I never realized it!! In my head, the only reason I was even dating was to end up getting frickin' married..EW. So, what are the other reasons for people dating? Sex, company, intimacy, money, security, the list can go on. What are your thoughts? Why are you dating? Or why aren't you?

Thinking about it now..it's so interesting. There has to be so many other reasons for dating, but I can only think of that list. Our society has such a black and white/binary way of thinking about life. How is everyone in the world supposed to think the same and want the same thing (like the relationship escalator?). That's actually impossible! Humans are so complex and intricate that it's sort of hilarious to think that we are sometimes only taught about that escalator. 

I found this article about this and I really liked this reminder, "I think it is important to remember that we aren’t following a script, we are co-creating a relationship." Meaning we (as in the people in the relationship) gets to choose where it will go. They will get to choose whether they want to be on the escalator or not and get to choose what type of relationship they want. The script is made-up, the relationship is not.

Another thought: success and the relationship escalator. What's their relationship? Many people think that a person is successful in life if they have these things in their life: big kid job, marriage, and kids. I mean, shit, really? Again, humans are complex and intricate!!! We can't all want that? We can't all think that we have to have those things to be successful? But that's the trick! Many of us are taught that is what success looks like, but it can look so different for people. Maybe someone wants to have their own apartment and that's their success, or maybe owning a cat or two? Or perhaps raising a kid on their own? Or maybe just doing a job that they have always wanted to do. Honestly, anyone can be successful as long as they think they are successful. Success is defined individually, we have the choice to choose what being successful means for us. 

It is difficult to see it as "choosing" though. Some of us don't really have that choice, depending on our situation. Also, judgement is a dagger. We can feel hella successful in what we are doing in our life, but then a family member can come up to you and ask, "So where are the kids?" and all of a sudden, the work you have put in doesn't matter because that escalator is all they care about. When family or anyone important has that mindset, it is hard to feel proud of yourself of your work when others don't see it. But alas, we have to learn how to not listen to their judgement and continue to feel proud and happy of our work. 

This is a reminder that if you can, choose the life you want. Whether that be not having kids, being non-monogamous, living alone, just doing whatever pleases you because at the end of it, it is your life and we want to be proud of who we are. 

Let me know your thoughts! Why do you date? What's the end goal or course you want your relationship to go? What do you think about this relationship escalator? Thanks for reading!