all about love - bell hooks

Ever since I could remember, I was fascinated by relationships -- by their love, their sexual behavior, their actions, their thoughts. I think I got to a point where I over-romanticized what being in a relationship meant and created too many expectations for myself and future partners. It also deprived me from seeing other relationships and what kind of relationships I can create outside of mainstream ones. And then I went to college, studied and read about families, society, sex, relationships, and then I gained beautiful friendships, and then I gained a romantic partner. My view has completely shifted, and for the better. 

I recently read bell hooks' All About Love and I cannot express how much I loved it. It changed my perspective on the word "relationship" and also challenged the romanticization that I had created for years. I'm still very young and will never entirely perfect what it means to be in a relationship and what it could mean for others, but I still continue to want to read about it and better myself so I can better the relationships I have with the people around me.

I want to share just a few points I read in hooks' book that have ignited passion in me and have shifted the way I want to walk around in this very imperfect world. I believe all of us have a duty to be the best person we can be, while also accepting we will ALWAYS make mistakes. We are complex humans who are constantly affected by the people around us, which can be positive or negative or both/in between, but that does not excuse us from not consciously making better choices for ourselves and others. 

bell hooks focuses in her chapter Values: Living By a Love Ethic on exactly that: a love ethic. "Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love -- care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge -- in our everyday lives" (94). She mentions how many people would think this is too utopian or idealist, but she counters that by saying "I then talked about the necessity of changing our thinking so that we see ourselves as being like the one who does change rather than among who refuse to change" (90). This is so important for people to realize. I hear it all the time from my family, that we need to accept the way the world works now or else be forever unsatisfied because change will not occur. I do not want to be that way, I choose to not feel that way. I choose to believe that there will be change. We see it everyday, even in the smallest ways. I see so many people donating to families in need, I see my brother becoming a better human, I saw classmates caring each day.

A love ethic is not only for our personal relationships, it can also be used in our work spaces, in school, the way we talk to strangers. Using a love ethic in our everyday lives has to be a conscious decision because of what we are used to. For example, road rage. This rage is so very real, it makes us want to cut people off, makes us want to flip someone off and then have that person try to scare you by swerving into your lane -- yes, this happened to me lol. Anyways, so then what would have happened if they actually crashed into me? What if I just did not give that person the middle finger and they would have not tried to hit me? I have to constantly remind myself that it is not worth it. My life, and their's, is not worth it. I try to choose to be patient, caring, and understanding when it comes to road rage, but c'mon if you live in a city like L.A., you know how hard that could be! But doing small changes like this could shift your mind into reminding yourself, it is not worth risking your life, it is not worth your emotions. 

The reason why I mention that example is because we act so fast sometimes. We act with our instinct, which is what we have learned, but by choosing to follow a love ethic, it means to be more conscious. Now relating to relationships, hooks discussed the importance of conscious decision-making or conscious conversations. She mentioned that the media loves to portray love as a mystery, something that just pops out of nowhere. Porn usually will depict sex is something that just happens because the passion is fiiireeee, you can't possibly talk about what you actually need! Anyways, hooks explained that people are then disappointed when a partner wants to talk before engaging in any sexual behavior, or even when they want to discuss the state of their relationship. They may feel the passion is diminishing if that were the case because they see it everywhere that these actions have to stay a mystery for the relationship to work. 

That is when unhealthy habits in a relationship can come up - the feeling that if you talk too much about your relationship, then it is over. Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and I could never stress that enough. I just asked my 20 year old brother what he found most important in a relationship, and surprisingly (to me) he said communication, but then went on about how the people his he knew did not know how to communicate very well and even the thought of it made him angry. For many reasons, we have this expectation that everything in a romantic relationship has to be a surprise so that the passion can continue, but this can lead to abuse, it can lead to unhappiness, or confusion. It can create stress if people do not know how to communicate. This is a part of the love ethic, and can be spread to all of your relationships.

Another example could be when I got annoyed at one of my friends because I felt like they did not care about my feelings and how I was. I was always asking the "how are you" and never got it back. I could have let that seethe inside me and possibly ruin our friendship - which I did a little, until I realized that was not going to work and that was not how I wanted my friendship to be so I straight up told them how I was feeling. BOOM! Communicated feelings, was acknowledged, and now it is all better! These are habits that we have to constantly practice because we were not taught to communicate and we do not have people there telling us constantly to communicate. And maybe one day you will be the best communicator out there, and then the next day, you are not. It happens! But it gets better as time goes and as you practice. 

I've realized now that I have typed more than I expected so I will stop for now, but will definitely want to continue this conversation involving hooks' book because it is everything. Reshaping relationships to be healthier and better for us is so important, that is why reading books like this, especially by BIPOC authors, can inform us much more than the people around us or school or media. We have to expand our minds, allow ourselves to change, and go with it.  

Thanks for reading!

About Me

Image Description: Josselyn is taking a picture of themselves slightly smiling, with no teeth showing. They have shoulder-length pink, wavy hair and are wearing clear glasses with a black tank top. 

Hello there beautiful folks! My name is Josselyn or Joss and I am a 24 year old, queer Latinx (they/she). Welcome to Sex and Tranquility! This is sort of an insight into my sex educator brain and what kind of thoughts I have as I find my way into the sexual health education world. I first discovered this drive to make sex education more sex-positive and accessible a few years ago when I took my first human sexuality course in college - and it was MIND BLOWING. I don't think I have ever learned more about myself than I did in that class and it has continued to this day.

I received my B.A. in Sociology and a minor in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University. I have also taken a Sex Education training from Planned Parenthood and am a certified Sex Educator through EDSE. I am constantly learning, reading, and listening about any related to sex education. I currently have a special interest in relationships and have been slowly developing my thoughts on how child development and sex education are linked. 

I do want to be transparent and say I am a baby sex educator - I've just been getting started these last couple of years! The posts you'll read here are my own personal thoughts that I've developed through multiple resources and people I have come across from (and they will always be credited). I like to call myself a learning sex educator, especially because I have a deep belief that we, as humans, are constantly evolving and are capable of learning something every single day of our lives, no matter age, certifications, or experience. If you ever read something of mine that you are questioning, would like further explanations, or just want to have a conversation, I am more than happy to do that! My boundaries of course are always treating each other with respect, kindness, and compassion. I am here to learn and I hope you are open to learning as well! You can reach me in any social media platform or email :)

I would also like to say that my work will be interconnected with many other realms as well because they are very relevant in the sex education world. I am constantly learning how to make my work anti-racist, accessible to ALL, filled with equity, checking my privilege, and just an advocate for marginalized communities. This side is always a part of my learning and I am continuously trying to find ways to become a better ally and person. 

Anyways, let me share a little more about myself. Some of my favorite things are; coffee, cats, boba, Harry Potter, bright colors, fashion, flowers, crafting, swimming, crystals, skating, music, watching shows more than movies, and so many other tiiingggzzz!! 

I am not a huge fan of people who are not open to new ideas, barking dogs, sexist people, racist people, capitalistic people, getting sunburnt, etc. etc. 

I want to give a warning that some of my posts may include some rambles and me just processing things I have learned. They will be connected to a lot of things that one may not think that it relates to sex education, but it sure as hell does. Some of the posts will also include some little art pieces I have made to go along with the post. Well, there's a bit about me! I'll put some of my contact info below and I hope you enjoy this little piece of my brain :)

Instagram: @interconnected.being

Email: josselynapalma@gmail.com

The Start

Sex & Tranquility is about understanding, compassion, openness, love, and all the magical feelings a human can have in any relationship, whether it is emotional, sexual, lust, familial, or friendship! Talking about these forms of relationships and feelings have been so grounding and powerful for me these past few years because it is something I have been wanting for the longest time. I'm sure many people have felt the feeling of loneliness and feeling misunderstood, especially when it came to personal relationships - and that is something I want to share with people. The reminder that they are not alone in this world, that they will find people (or find it in themselves) to feel loved, to feel special, listened to, and cared for. 

When I was about 9 or 10, I learned what the feeling lonely was. I was new at a school and many of us know how that goes. I eventually made friends and was feeling good at that time. But loneliness and hurt came later when I was 12-13, when I essentially lost all of my friends for really no reason. I felt uncared for, unloved, unseen and that continued until high school and throughout. Those feelings shifted when I started high school because I met friends I loved, but at the same time, those feelings turned into feeling highly misunderstood, lonely (again), and angry. I felt so angry, so...alone. 

This was when I started to become who I am today, I feel like. I was super into my style, my movies/shows, my music, super into Tumblr and blogging (when I started my first blog). This all allowed me to create a space where I can be me, but at the same time..it was not a safe space when it came to my sexuality and my thiiirsty want to have my first "boyfriend." 

My idea of what a relationship was supposed to feel like was extremely influenced by all the media and all the relationships that were in my circle. I highly romanticized relationships, but also was confused by that when the relationships in front of me were not perfect as they were in movies or shows. And also...they were not the relationships I actually wanted. I did not know what I wanted in relationships and what they meant, but I did learn something about my sexuality when, honestly, I started watching porn. Porn actually turned me GAY. Lol, I never thought about that till now...

Anyways, clearly I was very influenced by what I saw as a kid and then when I started college, I realized, "What the fuuuuck was I thinking?!" I started taking sexuality courses, ones about relationships, and sociology, and family. It completely changed my perspectives and my wants and learned why I was so very influenced (even though I'm still working on it all). I also realized how interested and in love I was/am with sexuality and relationships and what that means for people. Because wholly shit, if you were or are in a bubble like me, then you will be blown away by all the different types of relationships you can have with people and also figure out what it is that YOU want in a relationship. It is so healing and powerful and the best feeling I could have ever learned. 

So this blog will be all about that. All about feelings, sex, relationships, humanness, etc. I will be sharing things that I learned, my thoughts, my questions, other people's ideas, and we will be learning together! Because there is a whole world about sexuality that has been hidden from us and I'm sooo excited to talk about it!!