Reciprocity

Reciprocity: a mutual exchange of privileges (according to webster)

Alok Vaid-Menon once said, "The lack of reciprocity is such a painful thing." This quote has stuck with me for a few years, I think about it often because it's very painfully true. When we don't receive the love back, or when we don't receive attention back, or feel like we've given so much with nothing back...it hurts.

But is reciprocity required in order to feel fulfilled and content?

I follow poly.lovers on instagram, a non-monogamous bisexual who shares all the raw details of her relationship experiences, and she has made me question this. She has talked about how she loves to love, she loves to give, she loves share her affection to the people she sees, but doesn't expect it back because she just enjoys the experience. She has said that it doesn't matter to her if she loves her partner more than her partner loves her because everyone loves differently and their capacity to love is different. She is just happy to have found a person she enjoys being with and this sounds so liberating. 

I then think about expectations - ugh, expectations. Things that we assume, things that we think are going to happen, what we're going to get. Having expectations is annoying and can taint certain experiences we have. For example (and it's a silly one), I have expectations surrounding my birthday (and I've been working on this). A reason why I don't like my birthday is because I have too many high expectations of others. I usually don't know what I want to do for my birthday, what I want, or how I want to be celebrated, but I've noticed I expect others to know the answers to those as if...they know me better than me...? Literally makes no sense, right? SO, when my birthday comes up and I am freaking out about what I want to do and then have this expectation that others know...I get disappointed because of course other people don't know! I don't even know! Expectations, in this instance, let me down and I disappointed myself for not communicating. 

Back to my point of reciprocity - is reciprocity expectations? Expecting your friend to love you the same amount as you love them? Expecting your partner to hang out with you every time you want to hang out with them? According to webster, it's a mutual exchange meaning you both expect something. Is wanting reciprocity just expecting something in return?

Although...the lack of reciprocity is still very painful. I have experienced feeling disappointed because the love I shared for someone...was not returned in the way I thought it would. I had expectations for a friendship and those expectations let me down at the end of the day because I assumed there was a mutual feeling...and there wasn't. Would I have been less disappointed if I valued the friendship as it was and just enjoyed loving a person? Would I have been less angry if I accepted that people view each other differently? Love each other differently? I'm honestly not sure. 

I'm going to share another side thought just to confuse you and make you think more hahaha. I recently watched a tiktok (I lost it so I can't share it) about being unattached in the relationships we have with people. Meaning staying present and not attaching ourselves to the current people we are close to - whether that be friends, partners, family, etc...Because impermanence is inevitable. We will lose friends, we will break up with partners, we will become distant with people. That just happens, right? This person was saying that if we go about our relationships unattached, enjoying the moments we have with people, and not become accustomed to the idea that they will be in our lives forever...it may be less painful, less disappointing, and less confusing if that were to happen. 

I know, I had many thoughts about it. I first thought, "Wow, this sounds nice. Not feeling as much? Great!" But then I thought...we are humans. We do get attached naturally, it just seems like something we do..unless that's what we've been taught? ALSO, we can't just have a mentality in order to feel less? Feelings are important, valid, and a way for us to express our inner selves. Right?

Are you just as confused as I am? I just re-read the post and my thoughts are everywhere!!! I do think that's a good indication that this is a longer conversation and a complicated one. I think every person can answer this differently, depending on how they want to be loved and seen. Reciprocity can be scary, but also very beautiful. What do you think about reciprocity? Do you need it? Do you think they're expectations? 

Thanks for reading!