TW: mental health struggles, drug addiction, eating disorder
Healing is very non-linear. It is a rollercoaster. It is frustrating and confusing. For me, it used to confuse me as to why I felt amazing one day, but then the next day something triggered my brain and all of a sudden, I felt like I had taken a step back. I have cried about it oooohhh so many times and trying to accept this way of living, as a human with so many emotions.
I recently watched Demi Lovato's new documentary about her drug addiction, eating disorders, and mental health struggles. It reminded me of this non-linear path because if you don't know, this is her third documentary about her struggles. It is very raw and vulnerable, I'd recommend giving it a watch. I then went into a deep thinking dive about celebrity culture, our autonomy, and also what being a "good" person means. I won't get into all of it today, but I may do it since my brain is such a scatter sometimes. Anyways, I also listened to an interview she did with Joe Rogan and that was also very good. Basically, it gave me a lot to think about.
Let me start off with my opinion on celebrities. I mostly dislike them, mostly because I think the movie/music/TV/etc. industry is very toxic and uphold systems that many of us are trying to break down (eating the rich, racism, white supremacy, and more). I think a lot of them have done fucked up shit behind the scenes and some have gotten caught, but the way they go about it is so impersonal and fake. I also do not know these people so this is just my surface level opinion on pop culture. With this in mind, Demi Lovato has actually been a celebrity who I see as more real than others because of her vulnerability. I think this also speaks on how sometimes people will not trust you or believe you until you tell them your story, which I don't agree with either. People, even celebrities, don't have to prove themselves to people, and don't have to share their whole life in order to get their attention. I do respect Demi Lovato for speaking her truth and thank her for the vulnerability she shared.
Moving on and going back to the non-linear path a lot of us take. I once thought that with enough therapy, with the most supportive group of people, and trying my best, I would one day feel good about myself 24/7, won't be randomly anxious anymore, and calm the overpowering waves of thoughts I have. I was clearly naive to think that and didn't understand my struggles. Yes, I will one day calm those waves a bit more and feel good in my own body more days than not, but I also have to remember, I'm human. I get influenced by other people's comments, by pop culture, and have to constantly unlearn to not people please. It's non-linear. I don't think people talk about this enough. There's more talk on how get better or what you can do to fix all your problems when the reality isn't that. The reality is still feeling okay enough to continue everyday, to validate your feelings, and be kind to yourself when you feel like you've taken a step back (which I also don't think we ever really do because the growth happens after. Like one step back, two or more steps forward).
There was also a conversation about our autonomy. Agghhhh, I can talk about this for days!!! I'll try to shorten it though. We grow up with no autonomy, no bodily autonomy meaning no room for us to decide what we want to do, what we want to feel, how we want to dress, who we want to love, and so much more. It has already been decided when people find out our sex. Once people decide if we are a "girl" or "boy," they will have preconceived notions on how we will feel, how we will dress, what we will learn, how we will think, and more. This doesn't only come from the people who brought us to Earthside, but it also comes from TV, music, school, books, Internet, etc. These will teach us how we will live and if no one teaches us that actually we can wear that top, actually we can feel both of those emotions at the same time, actually we can have more than one partner, actually we can CHOOSE WHO WE ARE, then we may get stuck in other people's expectations of us.
Living our truth is difficult. There will be people telling us we're going to hell. There will be people telling us how we should dress or how many pounds we should lose. We may even end up being the ones telling ourselves these societal rules and telling others. Even professionals may choose to decide the care they give you based on societal norms, instead actually seeing what is going on. Sometimes we're blinded by it. This all doesn't mean we shouldn't continue fighting to live our truth and to decide who we want to live. Froetic Sexology said, "The minute we begin making our decisions based on what we fear instead of what we desire, we have lost our freedom." We lose that freedom once we decide to listen to what other people think, to follow all the social constructs, and to ridicule others for how they live.
That's where being a "good" person ties in. What does that mean? What is mean to you? To our society? I've been thinking a lot about it and I think it's subjective. People have different definitions for it and will also decide if a person is "good" based on how they live. For me, being "good" entails respect, accountability, communication, and kindness. As long as folks try their best, I think that's what it means to be a "good" person. This is a way bigger conversation, but I will leave it here. I hope you enjoyed reading and if you have any thoughts, please share them :0)
