Let's shake it up! (with a vibrator)

Alright, finally talking about a favorite topic of mine: SEX TOYZ!!! I don't really get the opportunity to talk about it, except when I awkwardly show a friend my new toy because I'm THAT excited. So I'm PUMPed to let y'all know some sweet (mostly online) sex toy shops that are queer and trans friendly, make safe toys, and BlPOC owned!

My experience with toys is a bit lower than I would like. Good toys that are actually good for your wonderful body parts can be quite expensive, but worth it. I have bought from Good Vibrations and Honey Play Box, which both have definitely not disappointed. I'll put the links of the ones I have and give a short review, in case any of you want an opinion!

*Disclaimer* I'll be talking about this research on sexual orgasms with folks who have vulvas. It's very binary and honestly, many studies that relate to sexuality, sadly, play into the gender binary. Let's fight for more studies that break down that fake binary!!!! But I'll be using more neutral and factual words in order to make it less binary. 

I was watching Love Island earlier (I know, I know. Reality TV shows..BLEH. But Love Island? Frickin' entertaining!) and they were throwing out facts at a game, right. They mentioned how many people with vulvas don't experience orgasms during penis-vulva intercourse and many of the contestants on Love Island were talking about how they basically all have faked an orgasm! You should've seen my face when I heard that. Not really out of shock, but more disappointment on how our society has let folks down. So, I looked up if this was true and sure as hell, it was. This study in Finland did five surveys about sex with people who had vulvas. Give it a quick read if you'd like to know the percentage! 

The reason I bring this up is because our society has done a complete disservice on teaching and informing folks on how to have an orgasm, especially those with vulvas. There is always a focus on those with penises and also mainstream porn makes it look like you can give aggressive thrusts and your partner will burst out an orgasm! 

Anyways, my point is that sex toys can sometimes be a great way to see what your body likes and how you can reach climax on your own! They can be used personally and also used with partners to add a bit of spice. Toys can also give you different sensations that you can't really feel with your hands. Alright, enough of that, let's actually talk about them!

My very first trip to a sex toy shop, I went with my friend and we were just very shy and awkwardly looking around. Soon enough, we were introduced to some beginner vibrators that made it less awkward and more fun! My first toy was this small, battery operated vibrator from Good Vibrations and it was a great first one. It did the job and made me excited to find other toys! Definitely don't like battery operated ones as much anymore, but this one was a great one to start with. 

Recently, I've taken a liking to Honey Play Box because some of my favorite sex educators talk about them all the time! I've gotten this vibrator/dildo, which the vibrations are a bit intense for me, but dildos are always fun. It's also double-sided, which means partner play!!! It comes with different settings and a small controller, so it can be used in a lot of different ways. Also want to say that if you share toys with your partners, make sure you're being safe and clean while having fun! It's good to read up on how to clean toys and such. Luckily, the toys I have gotten have given instructions on how to do that. 

Alright, now my faaaavorite one so far: The Seduction. Sounds intense, right? That's how I felt at least! Even when it arrived, I was like, "What the fuck did I buy?!" Hahah, it actually turned out so great and I will never look back. Sometimes toys seem a bit intense and scary, but once you try it out, hopefully you'll get excited and feel great! This toy not only has a small vibrating part, but it also sucks!! I tried it on my arm at first and accidentally gave it a hicky...oops! Don't try it on your arm obviously unless you just want to see how it feels, but beware: IT literally SUCKS. Feels great on the vulva, though, so I highly recommend this one. Honey Play Box also has great deals and you can for sure find promo codes to get a good discount. If you need any help with that, let me know!

Now for some other great sex toy shops that deserve some love that are queer or BIPOC owned:

enby - Black and Trans owned shop that focuses on toys that feel good for other trans folks and enbies. They sell all kinds of fun stuff so give them a look! They recently were being sued for using the word "enby" by some white folks (wildflower smh), so please consider supporting them.

New York Toy Collective - Queer owned shop that sells silicone dildos, packers, play kits, and more! 

Feelmore - Black owned! They've got all kinds of things, like dildos, straps, lube, and more! They also have a shop in Oakland and Berkeley I believe. 

There's Just Not Enough Of...

Food! Housing! Love! but wait..who told you that, though?

Pardon the quality - don't have a scanner lol. 

I recently read this post about "zero-sum thinking" or having a scarcity mindset and it got me excited to talk about because it plays into such a big part in our lives, especially in the United States (where I am). Growing up, I had this mindset, especially related to housing and food. I'll admit, I did learn very problematic ideas from my family and society that I'm not proud of. For example, that houseless folks have a reason for being houseless, which I now know is inhumane and not a good enough reason, ever. Humans have the right to have secure housing, enough food, clean water, and a safe, supportive environment. There will never be a good enough reason, in my eyes, for a person to lose any of these. If you still have that mindset, I suggest looking into yourself and finding your moral compass (because, truthfully, many of us have lost this).

There is always enough to go around. The scarcity mindset influences how we see our relationships and whether there is enough in us to go around. For example, if we have enough affection, love, or capacity to go around. Time and living spaces are things that can have a limit. There's only 24 hours a day so of course you can't exactly have 5 dates lined up in one day (unless your time management skills are impeccable, for that I commend you). If it's about whether you have enough love to go around, ask yourself, "Well, how much love do I have in me?" Can you answer that with a number or specific words?

The above post reads, "Sex At Dawn (written by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha), discusses how sex and love are viewed as scarce resources in compulsory monogamy. A person can only sustainably have sex with and love just one other person (at a time). However, that level of exclusivity isn't applied so intensely when it comes to children or friends." 

How come we have capacities for love in romantic relationships, but not for friendships or for family? We usually don't say to ourselves, "I can't make another friend, there's just not enough friendship in me?" Many of us are very open to making friends throughout our lives and never really think about whether we have to only have one friend. Another example, is the children part! Parents and caregivers love all of their children, whether that be equal or not is based on the parent/caregiver, but they of course have enough love to go around for all of their kids! Why is love measured when it comes to more romantic or sexual relationships, but not the platonic or familial ones? That's when the scarcity mindset comes in, but also where society likes to pick and choose which rules apply to certain situations. 

We of course have enough love to go around! I love my friends, family, pets, books, nature, traveling, clothes, and so much more. I have so much love to give and I want to spread it around. I'm not saying you should go find more partners or friends or whatever, unless that's what you want. What I'm saying is YOU CAN. You have the choice whether to be monogamous or not, you have a choice whether to be more intimate with folks or not, you have the choice and the capacity. When a person gets married, that does not mean their love meter has reached its capacity. When a person meets a new friend, that does not mean their love for their other friends lessens. Love is abundant and always will be.

I'd like to also bring up the housing crisis a little to add another counterargument for the scarcity mindset. Many people believe there is not enough housing in certain cities or there is not enough money for state or local governments to invest in building housing for houseless folks. Let me say this: then why are restaurants legit building houses or bubbles for people to "dine-in, but not actually inside"? If you haven't seen them, google it. It's enraging to see how easily places have made enclosed spaces outside of their restaurants in order for folks to eat out during a pandemic. Why is this so easy, but building houses or at the very least, creating a secure and set spot for houseless folks to put up their tents? Our governments pick and choose. That's why. The marginalized folks are the ones hit the hardest and politicians don't make it a priority.

The scarcity mindset is supposed to throw people off. It's supposed to make people think there is not ___ to go around so that we start blaming each other, instead of looking at the bigger picture. I want more people to think about this and really question why certain things are the way they are. Why are we forced into compulsory monogamy? Why is the biggest population of houseless folks in one of the most expensive cities? Why is everyone supposed to pick to be a girl or boy? Isn't there more? Aren't we more? 

Lots of questions! Lots of thinking! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading and hope you enjoyed it :-)

*Credit to Polyamorous While Asian for the post used above.*

social media hates sex (well..sorta)

So many huge platforms (Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, etc.) create these guidelines in order to control what they allow on their site and what they don't allow. Recently, Instagram shared that they would be clarifying their Terms of Service/Agreements and it will essentially make it harder for sex workers, sex educators, doulas, and more to post their content. I have seen so many sex educators censor the word "sex" and it is so disheartening and frustrating that these big ass platforms continue to do this. Instagram even wants to censor "sexual" emojis like the eggplant...WHAT?! They do so much violent censoring and to SPECIFIC people, too (meaning all sex workers and Black and Indigenous folks). Also, they allow a lot of content that pertains to the male gaze...SMH!!!!

Many sex educators, especially sex workers, rely on social media in order to make their income. It's where they share their content, where they find their clients, get visibility, etc. These platforms are already so violent towards sex workers, but now, specifically Instagram, will make it even more difficult for them to use this site. In a pandemic, really?! As if they haven't gone through enough. 

I wanted to bring attention to this on my blog because well my blog is about sexuality. It's important for us to stand by sex workers, sign petitions, donate to their funds, and show these violent corporations that they cannot continue to censor people's content. This affects so many people, but it also affects the audience: you. Personally, I have learned so much about sex education and sexuality in general just by using Instagram. It's like I took a sex education class on there with multiple teachers! So many wonderful creators share their content, whether it be about sex toys, relationships, non-monogamy, sex positions, orgasms, sexual trauma, sexual health, how race affects sex, etc., etc. Many of us do not get a proper sex education and only learn about limited topics. These creators on platforms like Instagram make it accessible for more people to explore beyond heterosexuality, monogamy, penetrative sex, or birth control. 

And guess who are the ones most affected by guidelines like these? Black and Indigenous communities. If a white, skinny celebrity posts a picture of their ass in a bikini - they will be not censored, shadow banned, or deleted. They will get allll of the likes, but if a sex worker is selling pictures of themselves of the same sort of photo, say goodbye to their account. I have heard too many stories of this happening. 

Anyways, basically these big platforms are doing exactly what they were made to do: censor BIPOC bodies while allowing white bodies to do whatever. Racism and violence towards BIPOC folks is very much alive in many aspects of their lives, especially in social media. Well, to end this, here are some funds you can donate to, I'll try to add more as I find them:

SWOP-USA - Organization fighting for safety of sex workers and educating folks that #SEXWORKISWORK

Zepp Wellness - This is their GoFundMe raising money to give free therapy to BIPOC folks and sex workers. This organization is also ran by sex workers! I didn't see a website, but here's their Instagram.

Relief fund for black sex workers - GoFundme

GoFundMe for disabled Black sex workers

Again, #sexworkiswork. Support your fellow sex workers, tip them only fans account, follow them on different platforms to keep up with them, donate, donate, donate, educate, educate, educate. The work sex workers, sex educators, and anyone within those spaces do is so important, please support them! Thanks for reading :-) 

'ships!

Ah, friendships. Some of the best relationships we will have in our lives. I think about my own friendships a lot - "what do they mean to me?" "What would I like in friendships?" "Wow, I have some special friends." This year has put a toll on my relationships in general, whether that be platonic, romantic, or familial. Apparently, 2020 wanted me to re-evaluate literally every 'ship in my life - THXXX for that, 2020, it's been very fun (says sarcastically). 

I've been finally watching all of Sex & the City (and trust me, I know how problematic it is), but I love the premise of the show: best friends fucking around in the city. It constantly reminds me of all the laughs I have had with friends and how important they are to me. It's wild that many people forget about their friends when they enter relationships, but I understand that sometimes, we are taught our romantic relationships should take precedence over any other relationship. I have always thought that was a load of bullshit and luckily in high school (where I started to think about 'ships), I had friends who thought the same thing. 

Alas, romantic relationships do change the way you navigate your other 'ships, it's just the reality of it. We are now spending way more time with this significant other while also juggling every thing else going on in our lives. I'll be honest, I have had a rough time accepting that in the past because friendships have always been a priority for me, but sometimes that's not the case for others and that's okay! I think the effort and care I receive when I do see/talk with friends is way more important than the actual amount of time I get to see them.

Recently, my therapist told me to write down what my ideal romantic relationship would have and as I was writing, I realized that those same traits are ones I want with my platonic relationships: love, communication, support, encouragement, allowing emotions to come out any time, etc. These are traits I want in, like, ANY relationship. They are things that make 'ships thrive and develop a deeper understanding of each other, which I'm sure is what many of us want. To have someone (or more) there for us when we need to talk, when we want company, when we want some love!

I saw this post by For Harriet recently asking, "Besides sex, what's the difference between a friendship and romantic relationship?" Reading the comment section was so interesting - the bottom line is that it's different for everyone! People have sex with their friends, but have no romantic attraction to them (and vice versa). People depend on their partners and friends equally (who you calling at 3am when you're crying?). People can be more intimate with their friends more than their partner (meaning of intimate is different for every individual). The reason I bring this is up is because relationships and their meaning do not have to abide to the standard, colonial reglas (rules). Just like sexuality, you get to define what these 'ships mean to you and how you and the other person(s) want to navigate them.

I want to deeply expand my relationships, new and old. I want to build my own rules and regulations (lol) for my relationships with the other person(s) because then we will be building something on our terms, what we want, what we need. And I think everyone should be allowed to do that and should be taught that. I genuinely believe that is how we will build stronger bonds, create the community we need, and have the support we want. It's beautiful, but also difficult because personally, I wasn't taught how to cultivate relationships this way. I was taught in a very binary way that friendships mean this and romance means that. I was also not taught how to communicate in a healthy way and I think communication is the gold mine for thriving relationships (still learning this haha). So now, I gotta do that solo (meaning find my own resources and figuring it out)!

Well..that'll be it! Let me know what you think! How are your 'ships different? Also, if you'd like any resources on this, let me know! I'm sure I could find a ton in my little archive :) Thanks for reading! 

let's not go up that escalator

Y'all ever heard about the relationship escalator? It's actually terrifying...at least for me! Lol. If ya don't know, the relationship escalator is what a lot of us learn how relationships should go: meet someone > become exclusive > fall in love > move in together > get married > have kids. Ba-da-bing, that's it. Apparently, that is the only way our relationships should go or end up going. Scary, right?! I mean, do we really have no other option except to follow that step-by-step guide on how to relationship? 

I have anxiety..like a lot of it. I have realized the relationship escalator is a big anxiety of mine when it comes to the 'ships and perhaps may be the root of my current brekk-yup. It's like..is it everyone's goal to end up getting married? Or..is everyone's end goal of a relationship marriage? Well, it really isn't. It's just something that has been placed in my head, anyone feel that way? 

I have read a lot of different people's opinions about this, mostly from non-monogamous folks, and many people have felt the same way. My therapist was actually the one that brought this up for me, she was like, "So, in your head you think the reason you are dating is to end up getting married?" I thought, "Damn, bitch. You got me." I never realized it!! In my head, the only reason I was even dating was to end up getting frickin' married..EW. So, what are the other reasons for people dating? Sex, company, intimacy, money, security, the list can go on. What are your thoughts? Why are you dating? Or why aren't you?

Thinking about it now..it's so interesting. There has to be so many other reasons for dating, but I can only think of that list. Our society has such a black and white/binary way of thinking about life. How is everyone in the world supposed to think the same and want the same thing (like the relationship escalator?). That's actually impossible! Humans are so complex and intricate that it's sort of hilarious to think that we are sometimes only taught about that escalator. 

I found this article about this and I really liked this reminder, "I think it is important to remember that we aren’t following a script, we are co-creating a relationship." Meaning we (as in the people in the relationship) gets to choose where it will go. They will get to choose whether they want to be on the escalator or not and get to choose what type of relationship they want. The script is made-up, the relationship is not.

Another thought: success and the relationship escalator. What's their relationship? Many people think that a person is successful in life if they have these things in their life: big kid job, marriage, and kids. I mean, shit, really? Again, humans are complex and intricate!!! We can't all want that? We can't all think that we have to have those things to be successful? But that's the trick! Many of us are taught that is what success looks like, but it can look so different for people. Maybe someone wants to have their own apartment and that's their success, or maybe owning a cat or two? Or perhaps raising a kid on their own? Or maybe just doing a job that they have always wanted to do. Honestly, anyone can be successful as long as they think they are successful. Success is defined individually, we have the choice to choose what being successful means for us. 

It is difficult to see it as "choosing" though. Some of us don't really have that choice, depending on our situation. Also, judgement is a dagger. We can feel hella successful in what we are doing in our life, but then a family member can come up to you and ask, "So where are the kids?" and all of a sudden, the work you have put in doesn't matter because that escalator is all they care about. When family or anyone important has that mindset, it is hard to feel proud of yourself of your work when others don't see it. But alas, we have to learn how to not listen to their judgement and continue to feel proud and happy of our work. 

This is a reminder that if you can, choose the life you want. Whether that be not having kids, being non-monogamous, living alone, just doing whatever pleases you because at the end of it, it is your life and we want to be proud of who we are. 

Let me know your thoughts! Why do you date? What's the end goal or course you want your relationship to go? What do you think about this relationship escalator? Thanks for reading!