Reciprocity

Reciprocity: a mutual exchange of privileges (according to webster)

Alok Vaid-Menon once said, "The lack of reciprocity is such a painful thing." This quote has stuck with me for a few years, I think about it often because it's very painfully true. When we don't receive the love back, or when we don't receive attention back, or feel like we've given so much with nothing back...it hurts.

But is reciprocity required in order to feel fulfilled and content?

I follow poly.lovers on instagram, a non-monogamous bisexual who shares all the raw details of her relationship experiences, and she has made me question this. She has talked about how she loves to love, she loves to give, she loves share her affection to the people she sees, but doesn't expect it back because she just enjoys the experience. She has said that it doesn't matter to her if she loves her partner more than her partner loves her because everyone loves differently and their capacity to love is different. She is just happy to have found a person she enjoys being with and this sounds so liberating. 

I then think about expectations - ugh, expectations. Things that we assume, things that we think are going to happen, what we're going to get. Having expectations is annoying and can taint certain experiences we have. For example (and it's a silly one), I have expectations surrounding my birthday (and I've been working on this). A reason why I don't like my birthday is because I have too many high expectations of others. I usually don't know what I want to do for my birthday, what I want, or how I want to be celebrated, but I've noticed I expect others to know the answers to those as if...they know me better than me...? Literally makes no sense, right? SO, when my birthday comes up and I am freaking out about what I want to do and then have this expectation that others know...I get disappointed because of course other people don't know! I don't even know! Expectations, in this instance, let me down and I disappointed myself for not communicating. 

Back to my point of reciprocity - is reciprocity expectations? Expecting your friend to love you the same amount as you love them? Expecting your partner to hang out with you every time you want to hang out with them? According to webster, it's a mutual exchange meaning you both expect something. Is wanting reciprocity just expecting something in return?

Although...the lack of reciprocity is still very painful. I have experienced feeling disappointed because the love I shared for someone...was not returned in the way I thought it would. I had expectations for a friendship and those expectations let me down at the end of the day because I assumed there was a mutual feeling...and there wasn't. Would I have been less disappointed if I valued the friendship as it was and just enjoyed loving a person? Would I have been less angry if I accepted that people view each other differently? Love each other differently? I'm honestly not sure. 

I'm going to share another side thought just to confuse you and make you think more hahaha. I recently watched a tiktok (I lost it so I can't share it) about being unattached in the relationships we have with people. Meaning staying present and not attaching ourselves to the current people we are close to - whether that be friends, partners, family, etc...Because impermanence is inevitable. We will lose friends, we will break up with partners, we will become distant with people. That just happens, right? This person was saying that if we go about our relationships unattached, enjoying the moments we have with people, and not become accustomed to the idea that they will be in our lives forever...it may be less painful, less disappointing, and less confusing if that were to happen. 

I know, I had many thoughts about it. I first thought, "Wow, this sounds nice. Not feeling as much? Great!" But then I thought...we are humans. We do get attached naturally, it just seems like something we do..unless that's what we've been taught? ALSO, we can't just have a mentality in order to feel less? Feelings are important, valid, and a way for us to express our inner selves. Right?

Are you just as confused as I am? I just re-read the post and my thoughts are everywhere!!! I do think that's a good indication that this is a longer conversation and a complicated one. I think every person can answer this differently, depending on how they want to be loved and seen. Reciprocity can be scary, but also very beautiful. What do you think about reciprocity? Do you need it? Do you think they're expectations? 

Thanks for reading! 

How child development and sex ed go hand in hand

I've been thinking a lot about child development and the connection it has to sex education. They really are intertwined, more than we probably think. As a person who has taught toddlers for the last six years, I've tried to implement a variety of teaching methods that actually connect to my take on sex education. I personally think that these methods should be used by all teachers, but I do understand that it maaay be seen as an opinion, too.

The biggest thing I teach kids is about consent! There are soooo many opportunities of teaching little ones about their own bodies and also using their words to express their feelings. For example, a popular interaction between toddlers is taking toys away from each other - ohhh, the amount of times I have heard kids cry and say, "They took my toy!!!" I always jump at the opportunity to teach them to ASK, always ask if someone is using something or if they are done. When children think that they can just snatch someone's item without their consent, they may learn that the other people's feelings don't matter and everything can be their's. Obviously, this isn't productive for kids to learn and also it can teach them about empathy - how does this make the other person feel?

Continuing on with consent, another big teaching moment is when kids hug other kids without their consent - some of them don't mind, but others get distraught. Even when the receiving hug child seems to enjoy the hug, I always remind them that they have to ask before hugging another person. It's a great opportunity to let them know that they need to ask other people if it is okay to give them a hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc...so that the other person can make a decision and their feelings can be validated. I always hear about how some of us were forced to hug or kiss family members against our will and if this continues, it teaches us that our words or feelings don't matter. If no one teaches us otherwise, this mentality may continue throughout our lives. It is so important for children to learn about their body autonomy early so that as they grow, they know they can make their own decisions based on how they feel or how comfortable they are. 

Another way of involving sex education curriculum into child development is using gender neutral words. Y'know trans and non-binary folks have been around forever, they have just been erased by colonization and the Western mind. It's now time to teach the new generations that the gender binary is fake and that they do not have to follow the set of reals that society gives them based on their gender. I try to use they/them pronouns all the time with animals, toys, or characters in a book because genuinely, we don't know their gender! When the adults use this language, children will pick up on it without us even telling them to. Another example is if a little boy wants to use a pink toy or a toy that most girls use - let them. They are exploring what they like and they have a right to do that! I have had little girls tell other boys that they can't use a certain toy because "it's for girls." This is another teaching moment - we gotta take the time to explain to them that it's just a toy and that anyone can use it! (I know I used the gender binary here, it's just a bit easier to explain and I have seen this happen in real life).  

All of these teaching moments can make such an impact on children's lives and let them choose who they want to be. There are so many other ways sex education and child development go hand in hand, but these are just a few examples. The reason I write this is because that's why sex education is important for everyone - it can teach us to accept our bodies and guide us in our true selves and it can start so young! Thanks for reading!!

Let's just accept it

TW: mentions of pornography, small mentions of pedophilia and sexual abuse 

I recently came across a Tiktok about porn. The person was very straight forward in saying porn was "destructive" and hurtful to folks who watch it. I think they even used the word "disgusting" and many of the people in the comments agreed. I felt the urge to comment and explain what I am going to talk about here. 

The conversation around porn and sexually explicit media is large, extensive, and can be filled with personal values. I will try to put as many resources as I can here to avoid personal values/bias because as a soon to be sex educator, I learned that facts and research is the focus and should (almost) always be the focus. The links will be within the post!

Porn (pornography), or sexually explicit media, is usually defined as "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." At least that is what Google says. I don't quite agree with the ending because porn can be aesthetically pleasing and can bring up feelings, depending where a person is at in their sexual lives. That's the basic definition, though. When I talk about porn here, it will include videos of sex, magazines, online sites with porn, sex workers, and more. Now that we have that out of the way, let's continue..

Porn and sex workers have been around for centuries, it's actually one of the longest known professions EVER. That means this kind of work will be most likely around forever. The website I linked even says it has been around since 2400 B.C. and it's still taboo?! Wild. Mostly everyone will watch porn, buy porn, or use porn to arouse themselves at least once in their lives, that is widely known, I mean ask your peers. This person on the Tiktok made it seem like porn should be banned and be seen as detrimental to ones' health, which is a very extreme opinion that I don't quite agree with.

I do see why they would think that though because porn is mostly seen as taboo and something we should steer away from. "Sex addiction" is talked about (even though I've seen sex educators dive deeper into why they don't think it's quite real and there's more to it), learning about sex from porn is harmful, and sex workers are not treated properly usually in mainstream porn. Those, and maybe more, are the reasons I can think of why porn could be harmful to folks. 

Although, porn can also be a place where queer folks can see themselves sexually. In movies, books, or just on the Internet, there's not much queer representation when it comes to sex. We see straight, cis sex in movies and shows all the time, but not much with queer, trans, or non-binary folks. Even within those straight, cis sex scenes, most of them are white people in them, which mean people of color may only see sexual representation in porn. This is important for these groups because without it, they may never fully see others like them being sexual and enjoying pleasure. All people deserve representation in every part of their lives and because mainstream sexual media is very white and heteronormative, pornography can be a relief and a place where others see themselves. 

Ethical porn can also be endearing, fun, and a different place to view pleasure. And ethical porn is real!! There are sites (like Bellesa, crashpadseries, OnlyFans, etc.) that treat sex workers ethically, pay them the amount they deserve, create a safer space, has queer and people of color representation, more realistic, includes consent, etc..I also have a whole list of ethical porn sites that I'll list below, the ones I listed are just the ones I've actually seen/used. Porn is completely okay to use as long as we know where it's coming from, we're making sure we're paying the sex workers, and that they are being treated fairly. 

When it comes to sex addiction, there's a lot of discourse that happens. The sex educator in me says there is more to it than being "addicted" to sex. In this article, a research psychologist makes the important note that "addiction" usually comes from an addictive substance so saying sex addiction doesn't add up because people aren't taking an added substance. People who say they are sex addicts may be using drugs, but that's different from a person who isn't taking drugs and calling themselves a sex addict. So, researchers and psychologists are questioning whether using the phrase "sex addiction" is correct or not. Using that term also can make people who are very sexually active seem like they have a problem. This article also stated something important, "There is also a risk that the label sex addiction might pathologize normal sexual desire and behavior, making healthy people appear to have an illness that does not exist." Having a lot of sex doesn't mean a person is a "sex addict," it just means they like having sex. Who are we to say certain sexual acts, the amount of sex we have, how we have sex is right or not? Everyone is different and everyone deserves to find out what they like and what they don't. 

When it comes to teens watching porn, it's not that them doing that is wrong, but if that's the only place they are learning sex from, then it can be harmful. Teens deserve a proper sex positive education where they can learn about sexuality, consent, birth control, pleasure, safety, and more. If teens had this type of sex education, then (ethical) porn wouldn't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It can be another way for them to explore their sexuality! 

I read articles that also say that some people group pedophiles, rapists, and those who cheat together with sex addiction, which is just plain wrong. All of those are different and cannot be grouped together. It can make it seem as if a person who has a lot of sex is in the same group as a pedophile...like no. So, the term sex addiction can make this very wrong and bold statement. 

My last point is whether watching porn with our partner(s) or our partner(s) watching porn on their own is bad or harmful. I don't think so, but this also depends on our relationships and communication. Some of the comments I saw on the Tiktok said they had broken up with partners because their partner was watching porn on their own. This is so interesting because we all know humans are sexual beings, I mean we have body parts that are solely there for pleasure. So, if someone wants to masturbate or is feeling sexual, and their partner isn't there..it only makes sense that they watch porn. I'm not saying when people masturbate they always watch it, of course people use their brains to make up fantasies, picture their partner, etc. but some people need a little boost! That's completely okay! I think it's worth to talk to our partners whether they are okay with that and have a conversation about it, but porn is also another way to fantasize and maybe see something a bit different. 

The discussion over pornography is so interesting to me and involves so many points. At the end of the day, in my opinion, watching porn, making porn, reading porn is normal and can be a different way to find pleasure. It is also not as simple as saying I agree or disagree with it, just like everything else. There is more I can talk about, but this is what came to mind. I haven't done as much research as I want to on pornography so this may be ongoing, but let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :-)

List of ethical porn (non-exhaustive)

Recently was shown this "Porn Literacy" curriculum that educators can take to learn how to talk about pornography. Pretty interesting, but the site is a bit outdated so not sure if it is recent. 

Article: Sex Work is a Disability Issue

Information on FOSTA/SESTA that was signed by Trump in 2018 in order to stop sex trafficking. Instead it has made it harder for sex workers to promote their work online and also just continued to criminalize sex work:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/qvxeyq/trump-signed-fosta-sesta-into-law-sex-work

https://whyy.org/segments/fosta-sesta-was-supposed-to-thwart-sex-trafficking-instead-its-sparked-a-movement/

There's so much more to learn, but that's the bit of resources I have saved! Share any more if you have some! 

The Non-Linear Road

TW: mental health struggles, drug addiction, eating disorder

Healing is very non-linear. It is a rollercoaster. It is frustrating and confusing. For me, it used to confuse me as to why I felt amazing one day, but then the next day something triggered my brain and all of a sudden, I felt like I had taken a step back. I have cried about it oooohhh so many times and trying to accept this way of living, as a human with so many emotions.

I recently watched Demi Lovato's new documentary about her drug addiction, eating disorders, and mental health struggles. It reminded me of this non-linear path because if you don't know, this is her third documentary about her struggles. It is very raw and vulnerable, I'd recommend giving it a watch. I then went into a deep thinking dive about celebrity culture, our autonomy, and also what being a "good" person means. I won't get into all of it today, but I may do it since my brain is such a scatter sometimes. Anyways, I also listened to an interview she did with Joe Rogan and that was also very good. Basically, it gave me a lot to think about. 

Let me start off with my opinion on celebrities. I mostly dislike them, mostly because I think the movie/music/TV/etc. industry is very toxic and uphold systems that many of us are trying to break down (eating the rich, racism, white supremacy, and more). I think a lot of them have done fucked up shit behind the scenes and some have gotten caught, but the way they go about it is so impersonal and fake. I also do not know these people so this is just my surface level opinion on pop culture. With this in mind, Demi Lovato has actually been a celebrity who I see as more real than others because of her vulnerability. I think this also speaks on how sometimes people will not trust you or believe you until you tell them your story, which I don't agree with either. People, even celebrities, don't have to prove themselves to people, and don't have to share their whole life in order to get their attention. I do respect Demi Lovato for speaking her truth and thank her for the vulnerability she shared. 

Moving on and going back to the non-linear path a lot of us take. I once thought that with enough therapy, with the most supportive group of people, and trying my best, I would one day feel good about myself 24/7, won't be randomly anxious anymore, and calm the overpowering waves of thoughts I have. I was clearly naive to think that and didn't understand my struggles. Yes, I will one day calm those waves a bit more and feel good in my own body more days than not, but I also have to remember, I'm human. I get influenced by other people's comments, by pop culture, and have to constantly unlearn to not people please. It's non-linear. I don't think people talk about this enough. There's more talk on how get better or what you can do to fix all your problems when the reality isn't that. The reality is still feeling okay enough to continue everyday, to validate your feelings, and be kind to yourself when you feel like you've taken a step back (which I also don't think we ever really do because the growth happens after. Like one step back, two or more steps forward).

There was also a conversation about our autonomy. Agghhhh, I can talk about this for days!!! I'll try to shorten it though. We grow up with no autonomy, no bodily autonomy meaning no room for us to decide what we want to do, what we want to feel, how we want to dress, who we want to love, and so much more. It has already been decided when people find out our sex. Once people decide if we are a "girl" or "boy," they will have preconceived notions on how we will feel, how we will dress, what we will learn, how we will think, and more. This doesn't only come from the people who brought us to Earthside, but it also comes from TV, music, school, books, Internet, etc. These will teach us how we will live and if no one teaches us that actually we can wear that top, actually we can feel both of those emotions at the same time, actually we can have more than one partner, actually we can CHOOSE WHO WE ARE, then we may get stuck in other people's expectations of us. 

Living our truth is difficult. There will be people telling us we're going to hell. There will be people telling us how we should dress or how many pounds we should lose. We may even end up being the ones telling ourselves these societal rules and telling others. Even professionals may choose to decide the care they give you based on societal norms, instead actually seeing what is going on. Sometimes we're blinded by it. This all doesn't mean we shouldn't continue fighting to live our truth and to decide who we want to live. Froetic Sexology said, "The minute we begin making our decisions based on what we fear instead of what we desire, we have lost our freedom." We lose that freedom once we decide to listen to what other people think, to follow all the social constructs, and to ridicule others for how they live. 

That's where being a "good" person ties in. What does that mean? What is mean to you? To our society? I've been thinking a lot about it and I think it's subjective. People have different definitions for it and will also decide if a person is "good" based on how they live. For me, being "good" entails respect, accountability, communication, and kindness. As long as folks try their best, I think that's what it means to be a "good" person. This is a way bigger conversation, but I will leave it here. I hope you enjoyed reading and if you have any thoughts, please share them :0) 

Now This Is Orgasmic

Ohhhh yes, I'm talking about orgasms! Cumming, releasing, busting, jizzing! I'm not gonna lie, I looked up different words to say orgasm and had a good giggle reading them. Sometimes saying or reading sex words is funny and I want to emphasize the FUN in FUNny because that is what we are focusing on today!

Questions to ask oneself: What is sex to me? What actions does it include? How does it feel? Is there a goal? Once you start diving deep into what sex actually means you, you can shape the kind of experience you would like to receive during it and this goes for solo and partnered sex. Yup! Ya heard it right, masturbating is also sex! 

I've come to realize that goal oriented sex is not my favorite. By "goal oriented" I mean having an ending to the sex I have, which is every party included having an orgasm. Having this thought during sex causes a lot of stress, overthinking, and anxious thoughts in me and I know I'm not the only one. Once I started reading more about sex and sexuality, I soon learned that sex isn't only about having that release! It's about the foreplay, the intimacy, the sensations we feel, or the emotions. There are literally so many other aspects to focus than having an orgasm. Once I learned this, sex became a whole different world with way less anxiety (WIIIN). 

I saw this post from Pleasure Centered Sexology that said, "The laziness lie says that if you're not working towards a goal during sex (giving someone what they want or having an orgasm) and if you're not achieving those goals (orgasms, erections, wetness) then sexual encounters are unsuccessful. When sex becomes another task. to complete or a skill to excel at, sexual and pleasure satisfaction drops exponentially." This is exactly it! When our mentality sticks to this goal oriented mindset, we are also stopping the possibility of different pleasures we can feel or just different sexual experiences.

Many of us have performance anxiety when it comes to sex and that is totally normal, especially when it's the first few times. Yes, I did mean FEW times because having sex one time does not get rid of the anxiety after that, sadly. Although, what will lessen having anxiety, stress, or unwanted thoughts, is knowing that everyone goes through this and also...a person can have sex with tons of people and still feel performance anxiety because ever.person.is.DIFFERENT! That means we gotta learn and relearn and unlearn different techniques during sex because everyone has different enjoyments. 

Some things that I think could be helpful for folks having performance anxiety is 1) communication,  like always. I'm sorry, but this will always be on the list of every topic I talk about. It's just the best way to get on the same page and know how to comfort each other. If you're feeling anxious, talk about it! Maybe your partner is feeling the same way or they could provide you with reassurance. 2) Try not to focus on the orgasm. Breathing is key during sex (yes, when someone is eating you out - BREATHE). It relieves tension and makes you focus on what you are feeling on your body. It's also helpful to think about what you are feeling - is your/their skin soft? Are you cold or hot? What do you find sexy about yourself/them? Are you/they hitting a good spot? These kinds of questions can help you get back to the moment you are in, not your anxious thoughts. 3) HAVE FUN!! Remember, this is supposed to be fun, silly, sexy, etc. This is a time to feel good so if you want to laugh, laugh! If you want to make a silly joke, do it! I love when I laugh during sex, it's just a good reminder that this is about a good time :)

That's why I believe sex educators call this pleasure focused sex - meaning pleasure is the main focus of sex, not an end goal (a.k.a. orgasm). Having an orgasm is just another extra fun thing to do during sex! By getting rid of the stress of you (or your partner) having to have that release, it opens up doors for more comfortability. Even if the sex doesn't end in an orgasm, ask yourself, "Did I have fun, though? Did it feel hella good? Did I learn something new?" Because the answers to questions like these will determine whether that sex was pleasurable or not.

What I want folks to get out of this post is: it's not only about the orgasms! Performance anxiety during sex is real and a lot of the times it's because of the huge focus on having that release. Next time, maybe tell your partner, "Hey, let's not think about orgasms today and really focus on other areas while having sex!" If you end up having one, great! If you end up not having one, great! As long as you are having fun and feeling good, that's the real end goal. I hope this encouraged you to take pleasure in other intimacies and remember, take your time, breathe, and don't take it too seriously. Thanks for reading!