I want to share just a few points I read in hooks' book that have ignited passion in me and have shifted the way I want to walk around in this very imperfect world. I believe all of us have a duty to be the best person we can be, while also accepting we will ALWAYS make mistakes. We are complex humans who are constantly affected by the people around us, which can be positive or negative or both/in between, but that does not excuse us from not consciously making better choices for ourselves and others.
bell hooks focuses in her chapter Values: Living By a Love Ethic on exactly that: a love ethic. "Embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love -- care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge -- in our everyday lives" (94). She mentions how many people would think this is too utopian or idealist, but she counters that by saying "I then talked about the necessity of changing our thinking so that we see ourselves as being like the one who does change rather than among who refuse to change" (90). This is so important for people to realize. I hear it all the time from my family, that we need to accept the way the world works now or else be forever unsatisfied because change will not occur. I do not want to be that way, I choose to not feel that way. I choose to believe that there will be change. We see it everyday, even in the smallest ways. I see so many people donating to families in need, I see my brother becoming a better human, I saw classmates caring each day.
A love ethic is not only for our personal relationships, it can also be used in our work spaces, in school, the way we talk to strangers. Using a love ethic in our everyday lives has to be a conscious decision because of what we are used to. For example, road rage. This rage is so very real, it makes us want to cut people off, makes us want to flip someone off and then have that person try to scare you by swerving into your lane -- yes, this happened to me lol. Anyways, so then what would have happened if they actually crashed into me? What if I just did not give that person the middle finger and they would have not tried to hit me? I have to constantly remind myself that it is not worth it. My life, and their's, is not worth it. I try to choose to be patient, caring, and understanding when it comes to road rage, but c'mon if you live in a city like L.A., you know how hard that could be! But doing small changes like this could shift your mind into reminding yourself, it is not worth risking your life, it is not worth your emotions.
The reason why I mention that example is because we act so fast sometimes. We act with our instinct, which is what we have learned, but by choosing to follow a love ethic, it means to be more conscious. Now relating to relationships, hooks discussed the importance of conscious decision-making or conscious conversations. She mentioned that the media loves to portray love as a mystery, something that just pops out of nowhere. Porn usually will depict sex is something that just happens because the passion is fiiireeee, you can't possibly talk about what you actually need! Anyways, hooks explained that people are then disappointed when a partner wants to talk before engaging in any sexual behavior, or even when they want to discuss the state of their relationship. They may feel the passion is diminishing if that were the case because they see it everywhere that these actions have to stay a mystery for the relationship to work.
That is when unhealthy habits in a relationship can come up - the feeling that if you talk too much about your relationship, then it is over. Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and I could never stress that enough. I just asked my 20 year old brother what he found most important in a relationship, and surprisingly (to me) he said communication, but then went on about how the people his he knew did not know how to communicate very well and even the thought of it made him angry. For many reasons, we have this expectation that everything in a romantic relationship has to be a surprise so that the passion can continue, but this can lead to abuse, it can lead to unhappiness, or confusion. It can create stress if people do not know how to communicate. This is a part of the love ethic, and can be spread to all of your relationships.
Another example could be when I got annoyed at one of my friends because I felt like they did not care about my feelings and how I was. I was always asking the "how are you" and never got it back. I could have let that seethe inside me and possibly ruin our friendship - which I did a little, until I realized that was not going to work and that was not how I wanted my friendship to be so I straight up told them how I was feeling. BOOM! Communicated feelings, was acknowledged, and now it is all better! These are habits that we have to constantly practice because we were not taught to communicate and we do not have people there telling us constantly to communicate. And maybe one day you will be the best communicator out there, and then the next day, you are not. It happens! But it gets better as time goes and as you practice.
I've realized now that I have typed more than I expected so I will stop for now, but will definitely want to continue this conversation involving hooks' book because it is everything. Reshaping relationships to be healthier and better for us is so important, that is why reading books like this, especially by BIPOC authors, can inform us much more than the people around us or school or media. We have to expand our minds, allow ourselves to change, and go with it.
Thanks for reading!
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