Customizing our lives

Do you have any relationships in your bubble that you admire and look up to? Whether that be romantic or not? Would you want a relationship like the ones you see or saw growing up? How many, based off of what you determine, healthy relationships have you seen personally?

I've been asking myself these questions the last few weeks and have talked about it with friends - the outcome wasn't very promising, I'm not going to lie. I realized that I don't have any "model" (romantic) relationships that I look up to and didn't grow up with that. All the romantic relationships that I saw were dysfunctional, toxic, even scary sometimes. I was honestly a bit shocked at how this is what came up for me when I thought about whether there's a relationship I look up to. 

I got a little cynical about it, y'know. I was sad that I didn't/don't have that to look up to (personally), to seek advice from, to see as hope for my own future 'ships. Then of course, I thought about it some more, read other people's thoughts about this topic, and well..here's what I came up with. 

We've grown up in a very screwed up world. Many of our families are dysfunctional and have caused harm to the next generation without really realizing it. Toxic behaviors have been passed down, trauma has been passed down, and not having the resources or tools to better these have been passed down. Luckily, more services are out there for the younger generations, but of course more can be done. Anyways, my parents and family haven't had the easiest life. Sometimes I think my parents, specifically, have gone through life assuming their choices and their options - without giving it more thought. That's probably because of their upbringing, their own parents, the society they lived in while in a different country. And this happens in many families. 

Many of our families haven't had the chance to choose their relationships, to choose what they want out of them, to just..choose. So when I think about how I don't have any "model" relationships around me, I think about this. How they didn't have the opportunities that I have when it comes breaking generational toxicity or to even think about that. So cynicism has passed for me, but now what? 

The initial point of this post was supposed to be the different types of relationships we can have because there are SO many. I was reminded earlier today that not many people know about the relationship escalator and then it drew me to writing this SO let's get to the actual point of the damn post! 

One of the most freeing ideas that I have learned in the past few years is that I can mold my own relationships into whatever I and the other person/s want or need. I'm tired of rules, I'm tired of expectations, I'm just tired. I'm sure many of you feel this way - feeling like you have to do something because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Dress a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Act a certain way because that's what you're "supposed" to do. But guess what? You don't have to. 

This mentality can fit into many aspects of our lives, but I'm going to focus more on intimate and romantic relationships and what kinds of relationships there are out there. The internet has made it much easier for us to read and see other types of relationships that we may want! Whether that be queer relationships, or polyamorous relationships, or people of color loving on other people of color, and more!!! 

I'm going to share different types of relationship structures that maybe you haven't heard of or haven't seen! I'd like to start off with a bit about the relationship escalator. I wrote about it here, but I'll insert a definition I found online: Relationships escalator is "the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal."

- Amy Gahran, Off the Relationship Escalator. Essentially, society tells us we must find our "person" and date them then move in together and then marry them and then have kids and then...well that's basically it. Clearly, this formula does not work for everyone and not everyone wants it! Remember, you and your person/s in the relationship get to create your own formula. As long as both of you are happy with it, that is all that matters. Step off that escalator! 

Now let's discuss other 'ships:

Polyamorous relationships: This Medium article defines it as "the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved." People will sometimes add that they can fall in love with multiple people at the same time or just have the desire to date multiple people at the same time. 

Non-monogamous: This one is more of an umbrella term for folks! Usually defined as dating or in a relationship with multiple people, whether that be emotionally, romantically, or sexually. 

Now along with those two, you'll usually find terms like these: kitchen table polyam, solo polyam, monogamish, swingers, and more!!! Check out this post from polyamorouswhileasian where she defines these terms and more. 

Triad: This type of relationship has 3 people in it and they are all dating each other! Sometimes a couple will open up their relationship and find another person to add to the mix. Be mindful of unicorn hunters though...these people may fetishize the third person and essentially use them for sex or perhaps a way to "fix" their relationship. 

Many of us are familiar with friends with benefits, which usually means the relationship is based off of sex or mutual interest in something specific. I think many people think this situation can turn messy quickly, but if both parties are communicative, respectful, and honest then really it can benefit the people who are in the relationship. 

I just named off a few good ways to be in a relationship...did ya learn or read something new? I hope so!!! I want more people to feel free in their relationships, whether that be monogamous or not. Or even being in a relationship in unconventional ways like living together, but having your own room! Or choosing not to get married or having kids! Or focusing on yourself more than a relationship! Or prioritizing friendships and family more than romantic relationships! As an individual, a human being, you are able to decide what will make you feel fulfilled and content. Sometimes doing this will invite people to criticize or shame you, but y'know what? In the long run, this is your life and you are living it, not anybody else. 

So, basically I'm a relationship anarchist (one last term!!!!). A relationship anarchist is a person who deconstructs societal expectations of what a romantic relationship entails. I really align with the definition polyphilia shared in their tiktok here. I loved how she said relationship anarchists "customize their commitments" because that is exactly how I see it. I see all my relationships as a priority, not just my romantic ones. I also don't think all these societal norms on relationships fits into everyone's lives - it's just not realistic. Being able to mold your relationship and how that 'ship will flow into your life is so freeing! 

There are so many ways to live in this world - we just haven't been shown those ways because of capitalism, the need for control, white supremacy, and colonization. Because guess what? A lot of these structures of relationships that I talked about here are not new information!!! Many indigenous communities and our own ancestors had these ideologies, they were just violently erased. So, remember that we get to customize our own 'ships and honestly our own life. Make decisions based off of what you want and need. Read different people's perspectives and maybe think about whether the decisions we make are made because we assume it's what we have to do. I hope you learned something in this post and if you read to the bottom of this post, thank you!! I hope you enjoyed :) 

Always about control

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but always felt it was unfinished or just not enough, but I've decided to let that go!

I have so many, yet so few words to say about what is going on, specifically in Texas. As some of you may know, Texas has now passed a law banning abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy. Typically, most people will find out they're pregnant after 6 weeks and most get an abortion after 6 weeks...making this law an absolute massive barrier for all who can get pregnant. Not only that, but there is also no exception to incest and rape, any person who helps (in ANY way, like even giving that person a ride to the clinic) or pays for the abortion that goes against this new law, can be sued. 

Honestly, this is not a surprise, especially in Texas. It was even difficult for people in Texas to access an abortion before this law passed because only specific clinics were allowed or offered abortions, and there weren't many. People would have to drive hours in order to get to a clinic and then would have to stay near that clinic after the procedure. Who is able to afford that? Yup, you got it - mostly wealthy, white people. 

I've seen many people share eloquent words and thoughts about what is going on, let me share some before I share my own:

Sonya Renee Taylor shared her poem she wrote in 2003, but it still (sadly) relates to what is happening now. You can watch her speak it here or can read it here. 

Cori Bush , a U.S. congresswoman, tweeted, "I'm thinking about the Black, brown, low-income, queer and young folks, in Texas. The folks this abortion health care ban will disproportionately harm. Wealthy white folks will have the means to access abortion care. Our communities won't." 

This tiktok (@daejahtalkstv) is a person talking about how there are many people comparing what is happening now to the Handmaid's Tale, but they are missing a key point: this new abortion law, and other laws, specifically target Black, Indigenous, and people of color's lives - something that the Handmaid's Tale does not discuss (I have not seen this show, but this is what this person is saying) and it makes sense. White people are capable of discussing and learning violence when it relates to them and then they compare it to a show...that has mostly white people in it. Interesting. Do white people only become interested and outraged only when it's an attack on them?

The fight for choice has been going on way too long. This fight is not only for women, language is really important here. As Ericka Hart has said, "Any gender can have an abortion." I think many people are not conscious of the wording here saying things like, "this is a women's issue" when it really isn't. This is everyone's issue. When we can really break down who can get pregnant and therefore affected by this mess, we become aware that anyone with a uterus can get pregnant, which affects any gender! We gotta stop with this binary language. 

I wish I could find the video of someone explaining this, but it was about how the government doesn't actually care about the unborn baby, they can give a shit about them. If they actually cared about people's lives, we would have free health care, free housing, free food, and just so many more resources. The government really just cares about who they are controlling, whose bodies they are controlling, who they are keeping at the bottom, and whose on top because in reality, rich people can have all the abortions they want!!! Because they can afford it!! And it's way more accessible to them!!!! AAGHHH

Anyways, yeah. Those are some of my thoughts and some of other people's thoughts. When things like this happen, it just reminds me why comprehensive, SEX POSITIVE, education matters and why I'm trying to get into this field. More people need to know their options, why there are options, how they can get access to their options, and so.much.more. Thanks for reading! P.S. Underneath are some resources and information for abortions or just sex education in general. 

https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion

https://sexpositivefamilies.com/

https://loomhq.com/

https://www.howlatthewomb.com/

Reciprocity

Reciprocity: a mutual exchange of privileges (according to webster)

Alok Vaid-Menon once said, "The lack of reciprocity is such a painful thing." This quote has stuck with me for a few years, I think about it often because it's very painfully true. When we don't receive the love back, or when we don't receive attention back, or feel like we've given so much with nothing back...it hurts.

But is reciprocity required in order to feel fulfilled and content?

I follow poly.lovers on instagram, a non-monogamous bisexual who shares all the raw details of her relationship experiences, and she has made me question this. She has talked about how she loves to love, she loves to give, she loves share her affection to the people she sees, but doesn't expect it back because she just enjoys the experience. She has said that it doesn't matter to her if she loves her partner more than her partner loves her because everyone loves differently and their capacity to love is different. She is just happy to have found a person she enjoys being with and this sounds so liberating. 

I then think about expectations - ugh, expectations. Things that we assume, things that we think are going to happen, what we're going to get. Having expectations is annoying and can taint certain experiences we have. For example (and it's a silly one), I have expectations surrounding my birthday (and I've been working on this). A reason why I don't like my birthday is because I have too many high expectations of others. I usually don't know what I want to do for my birthday, what I want, or how I want to be celebrated, but I've noticed I expect others to know the answers to those as if...they know me better than me...? Literally makes no sense, right? SO, when my birthday comes up and I am freaking out about what I want to do and then have this expectation that others know...I get disappointed because of course other people don't know! I don't even know! Expectations, in this instance, let me down and I disappointed myself for not communicating. 

Back to my point of reciprocity - is reciprocity expectations? Expecting your friend to love you the same amount as you love them? Expecting your partner to hang out with you every time you want to hang out with them? According to webster, it's a mutual exchange meaning you both expect something. Is wanting reciprocity just expecting something in return?

Although...the lack of reciprocity is still very painful. I have experienced feeling disappointed because the love I shared for someone...was not returned in the way I thought it would. I had expectations for a friendship and those expectations let me down at the end of the day because I assumed there was a mutual feeling...and there wasn't. Would I have been less disappointed if I valued the friendship as it was and just enjoyed loving a person? Would I have been less angry if I accepted that people view each other differently? Love each other differently? I'm honestly not sure. 

I'm going to share another side thought just to confuse you and make you think more hahaha. I recently watched a tiktok (I lost it so I can't share it) about being unattached in the relationships we have with people. Meaning staying present and not attaching ourselves to the current people we are close to - whether that be friends, partners, family, etc...Because impermanence is inevitable. We will lose friends, we will break up with partners, we will become distant with people. That just happens, right? This person was saying that if we go about our relationships unattached, enjoying the moments we have with people, and not become accustomed to the idea that they will be in our lives forever...it may be less painful, less disappointing, and less confusing if that were to happen. 

I know, I had many thoughts about it. I first thought, "Wow, this sounds nice. Not feeling as much? Great!" But then I thought...we are humans. We do get attached naturally, it just seems like something we do..unless that's what we've been taught? ALSO, we can't just have a mentality in order to feel less? Feelings are important, valid, and a way for us to express our inner selves. Right?

Are you just as confused as I am? I just re-read the post and my thoughts are everywhere!!! I do think that's a good indication that this is a longer conversation and a complicated one. I think every person can answer this differently, depending on how they want to be loved and seen. Reciprocity can be scary, but also very beautiful. What do you think about reciprocity? Do you need it? Do you think they're expectations? 

Thanks for reading! 

How child development and sex ed go hand in hand

I've been thinking a lot about child development and the connection it has to sex education. They really are intertwined, more than we probably think. As a person who has taught toddlers for the last six years, I've tried to implement a variety of teaching methods that actually connect to my take on sex education. I personally think that these methods should be used by all teachers, but I do understand that it maaay be seen as an opinion, too.

The biggest thing I teach kids is about consent! There are soooo many opportunities of teaching little ones about their own bodies and also using their words to express their feelings. For example, a popular interaction between toddlers is taking toys away from each other - ohhh, the amount of times I have heard kids cry and say, "They took my toy!!!" I always jump at the opportunity to teach them to ASK, always ask if someone is using something or if they are done. When children think that they can just snatch someone's item without their consent, they may learn that the other people's feelings don't matter and everything can be their's. Obviously, this isn't productive for kids to learn and also it can teach them about empathy - how does this make the other person feel?

Continuing on with consent, another big teaching moment is when kids hug other kids without their consent - some of them don't mind, but others get distraught. Even when the receiving hug child seems to enjoy the hug, I always remind them that they have to ask before hugging another person. It's a great opportunity to let them know that they need to ask other people if it is okay to give them a hug, a kiss on the cheek, etc...so that the other person can make a decision and their feelings can be validated. I always hear about how some of us were forced to hug or kiss family members against our will and if this continues, it teaches us that our words or feelings don't matter. If no one teaches us otherwise, this mentality may continue throughout our lives. It is so important for children to learn about their body autonomy early so that as they grow, they know they can make their own decisions based on how they feel or how comfortable they are. 

Another way of involving sex education curriculum into child development is using gender neutral words. Y'know trans and non-binary folks have been around forever, they have just been erased by colonization and the Western mind. It's now time to teach the new generations that the gender binary is fake and that they do not have to follow the set of reals that society gives them based on their gender. I try to use they/them pronouns all the time with animals, toys, or characters in a book because genuinely, we don't know their gender! When the adults use this language, children will pick up on it without us even telling them to. Another example is if a little boy wants to use a pink toy or a toy that most girls use - let them. They are exploring what they like and they have a right to do that! I have had little girls tell other boys that they can't use a certain toy because "it's for girls." This is another teaching moment - we gotta take the time to explain to them that it's just a toy and that anyone can use it! (I know I used the gender binary here, it's just a bit easier to explain and I have seen this happen in real life).  

All of these teaching moments can make such an impact on children's lives and let them choose who they want to be. There are so many other ways sex education and child development go hand in hand, but these are just a few examples. The reason I write this is because that's why sex education is important for everyone - it can teach us to accept our bodies and guide us in our true selves and it can start so young! Thanks for reading!!

Let's just accept it

TW: mentions of pornography, small mentions of pedophilia and sexual abuse 

I recently came across a Tiktok about porn. The person was very straight forward in saying porn was "destructive" and hurtful to folks who watch it. I think they even used the word "disgusting" and many of the people in the comments agreed. I felt the urge to comment and explain what I am going to talk about here. 

The conversation around porn and sexually explicit media is large, extensive, and can be filled with personal values. I will try to put as many resources as I can here to avoid personal values/bias because as a soon to be sex educator, I learned that facts and research is the focus and should (almost) always be the focus. The links will be within the post!

Porn (pornography), or sexually explicit media, is usually defined as "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." At least that is what Google says. I don't quite agree with the ending because porn can be aesthetically pleasing and can bring up feelings, depending where a person is at in their sexual lives. That's the basic definition, though. When I talk about porn here, it will include videos of sex, magazines, online sites with porn, sex workers, and more. Now that we have that out of the way, let's continue..

Porn and sex workers have been around for centuries, it's actually one of the longest known professions EVER. That means this kind of work will be most likely around forever. The website I linked even says it has been around since 2400 B.C. and it's still taboo?! Wild. Mostly everyone will watch porn, buy porn, or use porn to arouse themselves at least once in their lives, that is widely known, I mean ask your peers. This person on the Tiktok made it seem like porn should be banned and be seen as detrimental to ones' health, which is a very extreme opinion that I don't quite agree with.

I do see why they would think that though because porn is mostly seen as taboo and something we should steer away from. "Sex addiction" is talked about (even though I've seen sex educators dive deeper into why they don't think it's quite real and there's more to it), learning about sex from porn is harmful, and sex workers are not treated properly usually in mainstream porn. Those, and maybe more, are the reasons I can think of why porn could be harmful to folks. 

Although, porn can also be a place where queer folks can see themselves sexually. In movies, books, or just on the Internet, there's not much queer representation when it comes to sex. We see straight, cis sex in movies and shows all the time, but not much with queer, trans, or non-binary folks. Even within those straight, cis sex scenes, most of them are white people in them, which mean people of color may only see sexual representation in porn. This is important for these groups because without it, they may never fully see others like them being sexual and enjoying pleasure. All people deserve representation in every part of their lives and because mainstream sexual media is very white and heteronormative, pornography can be a relief and a place where others see themselves. 

Ethical porn can also be endearing, fun, and a different place to view pleasure. And ethical porn is real!! There are sites (like Bellesa, crashpadseries, OnlyFans, etc.) that treat sex workers ethically, pay them the amount they deserve, create a safer space, has queer and people of color representation, more realistic, includes consent, etc..I also have a whole list of ethical porn sites that I'll list below, the ones I listed are just the ones I've actually seen/used. Porn is completely okay to use as long as we know where it's coming from, we're making sure we're paying the sex workers, and that they are being treated fairly. 

When it comes to sex addiction, there's a lot of discourse that happens. The sex educator in me says there is more to it than being "addicted" to sex. In this article, a research psychologist makes the important note that "addiction" usually comes from an addictive substance so saying sex addiction doesn't add up because people aren't taking an added substance. People who say they are sex addicts may be using drugs, but that's different from a person who isn't taking drugs and calling themselves a sex addict. So, researchers and psychologists are questioning whether using the phrase "sex addiction" is correct or not. Using that term also can make people who are very sexually active seem like they have a problem. This article also stated something important, "There is also a risk that the label sex addiction might pathologize normal sexual desire and behavior, making healthy people appear to have an illness that does not exist." Having a lot of sex doesn't mean a person is a "sex addict," it just means they like having sex. Who are we to say certain sexual acts, the amount of sex we have, how we have sex is right or not? Everyone is different and everyone deserves to find out what they like and what they don't. 

When it comes to teens watching porn, it's not that them doing that is wrong, but if that's the only place they are learning sex from, then it can be harmful. Teens deserve a proper sex positive education where they can learn about sexuality, consent, birth control, pleasure, safety, and more. If teens had this type of sex education, then (ethical) porn wouldn't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It can be another way for them to explore their sexuality! 

I read articles that also say that some people group pedophiles, rapists, and those who cheat together with sex addiction, which is just plain wrong. All of those are different and cannot be grouped together. It can make it seem as if a person who has a lot of sex is in the same group as a pedophile...like no. So, the term sex addiction can make this very wrong and bold statement. 

My last point is whether watching porn with our partner(s) or our partner(s) watching porn on their own is bad or harmful. I don't think so, but this also depends on our relationships and communication. Some of the comments I saw on the Tiktok said they had broken up with partners because their partner was watching porn on their own. This is so interesting because we all know humans are sexual beings, I mean we have body parts that are solely there for pleasure. So, if someone wants to masturbate or is feeling sexual, and their partner isn't there..it only makes sense that they watch porn. I'm not saying when people masturbate they always watch it, of course people use their brains to make up fantasies, picture their partner, etc. but some people need a little boost! That's completely okay! I think it's worth to talk to our partners whether they are okay with that and have a conversation about it, but porn is also another way to fantasize and maybe see something a bit different. 

The discussion over pornography is so interesting to me and involves so many points. At the end of the day, in my opinion, watching porn, making porn, reading porn is normal and can be a different way to find pleasure. It is also not as simple as saying I agree or disagree with it, just like everything else. There is more I can talk about, but this is what came to mind. I haven't done as much research as I want to on pornography so this may be ongoing, but let me know what you think! Thanks for reading :-)

List of ethical porn (non-exhaustive)

Recently was shown this "Porn Literacy" curriculum that educators can take to learn how to talk about pornography. Pretty interesting, but the site is a bit outdated so not sure if it is recent. 

Article: Sex Work is a Disability Issue

Information on FOSTA/SESTA that was signed by Trump in 2018 in order to stop sex trafficking. Instead it has made it harder for sex workers to promote their work online and also just continued to criminalize sex work:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/qvxeyq/trump-signed-fosta-sesta-into-law-sex-work

https://whyy.org/segments/fosta-sesta-was-supposed-to-thwart-sex-trafficking-instead-its-sparked-a-movement/

There's so much more to learn, but that's the bit of resources I have saved! Share any more if you have some!